Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Dog in a purple jersey

Hello nerdy blogger universe you look different from my lounge, have you done something different with your hair? Lounge Blogger, you should really hire a better cleaner also you're heaps more boring than Holiday Blogger but whatevs.

The reason for this today is that I have thoughts that wont fit in mere status updates, and to be fair no one really cares. If anyone actually reads this, enthusiastic high five for not unsubscribing from me.  More than likely I've unsubscribed from you but tomato tomato ya know.

Hrmm so whats been going on, I went to all this effort to sign into this piece and now I can't remember what I wanted to say. I can't remember but I have a feeling all I wanted to talk about was my road rage. Which seems to have subsided in the couple of minutes it took me to write this hrmmmmmmm.

Hunger fuelled illusions? Driving home from work today, 35km/h road raging all the way up Sunset road, the traffic comes to a complete stop. Fan Freakin Tastic, I'm starving, ready to eat my own ass and this bunch of retards don't know how to work their steering wheels. Finally we start moving again, oh I should have known. A dog wearing a purple jersey trotting along the road. I thought this strange as today is definitely way too hot for jerseys.

KARATE KID. I feel sorry for the kids growing up with the Jayden Smiths Karate kid. How is anyone ever suposed to perform that end move on their mates (ya know the one footed, backwards sumersault, face kick and land on the good foot move) It'll never happen. Example, I still do the crane kick on a bi-weekley baisis and feel every bit as awesome as I did when I was a youngin. Boo modern Karate Kid makers. And dont even get me started on the soundtrack Justin Bieber could never replace Joe Esposito 'You're the best around', not even if there was a fire.

Monday, 10 October 2011

HolidayOvertime. Day 3

Didn't manage a sleep in this morning, stink. After last nights debacle, we thought we had better go buy Mark a collared shirt in case we have the same thing happen tonight. We want to be prepared this time. But the hope is fading, at a medium pace. I'm a lot more pissed off now than I was last night. Just FYI.

We sort the shirt out after a couple of taxi rides and go back to the hotel. We couldn't find any of the stand by-ers so we figured that they were already at the airport, so we head there too.

Stack our hobo Esq possessions into a trolley and wheel it to our window side, gypsy camp. See, when you're on standby travel, they don't take your bags when you check in, hence the makeshift gypsy camp. I'm strongly considering stringing a clothes line from the T Mobile charging centre to the pole just here, must keep a look out for supplies. This is where I plan to sit all day, and cry gypsy tears possibly for commercial sale, at a later date.

We individually go check ourselves in for the first flight to Melbourne. Now were just hanging out at the campsite. Marks got his stink war book, listening to his iPod. I'm reading my book on Slash, which by the way is very good. This is big news, as I am pretty much exclusively a gossip magazine reader. Listening to Sonic Alter because supporting New Zealand music i feel will most defiantly help out the good vibes I'm sending to the universe. Also its about the only CD that I can listen to without skipping any songs, which helps when you're engrossed in a good book. Feel like a bit of a freshen up so I visit Duty Free to spritz myself with the latest perfume.

5.30 pm rolls on, better make our way to our seats, where we shall resume our evil waiting game. Pearched  along the window seats enviously watching people being issued their boarding passes while we stress out. That family has six kids that are taking up a whole seat each! Do they really need that much luggage? One by one our fellow stand byers filter in, dump their bags and check in. The two teachers paid an extra $600 each to upgrade to business class, hopefully increasing their chances of being on tonight's flight. We're all a bit deflated but try to stay on the up and up. The lady comes over a lot earlier than usual and hands out boarding passes to the teachers. We're all genuinely happy for them, as we've grown quite fond of our new airport family. We continue to wait, checking the clock every minute, surely they've closed off check in by now! The man comes over and he has three tickets in his hand, Mark and Kate? Yussssss! In our minds we're dancing a jig but on the outside we calmly stand up and take the tickets. Now our attention switches to Jason, the five nighter, 6 Day-er. *Insert suspense music here* (Slow motion voice) Jaaaayyysssooohhhn? Anyone would think he had just won first division. Now there's only two of the standbyers left behind, we hope to see them on the plane but if history is anything to go by, we're not holding our breath. Nek minute, who rolls up but our old mate Bieber (nicknamed by one of the teachers because his appearance had ever so slight Bieber undertones) he made it. As for the other guy, well he was left by himself. Did he make the Brisbane flight? I guess we'll never know.

Sunday, 9 October 2011

Day 32. Las Vegas to LA

While in Las Vegas we have been half heartily following the Michael Jackson trial. They put the pictures and audio evidence on TV. I wasn't expecting them to show the picture of him dead on his hospital bed but they did. At this point in my legal opinion all I can conclude is that his doctor is a douche, and Michael Jackson is cool.
Heading to LA today, so we need to visit the Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas sign this morning, its not too busy so we get our snaps then push off.

Mark sees an abandoned water park on the way to LA so we make a wee detour. All the slides have been taken out so there's no fun to be had here. Actually ... there's no one around, it'd be rude not to play with some firecrackers. Tried to light the whole box but it was really windy and wasn't happening. Same goes for the sparklers BOOOOO!

Made our way into LA, we figured we might as well go back to the motel we started at because it was cheap. Got a room there, just so happens to be a million percent better (and the same price) than the first one we stayed in for a week. Whats. With. That.

Americans take their Halloween super sized serious, with a side order of crazy. They have specific superstores with every costume you could ever imagine. If you want to go to a party dressed as a flasher with a giant penis sticking out of your jacket, you can. Or if your party is less for molesters and more family oriented, a packet of M&Ms could do just nicely. Everywhere we go theres a Halloween store, come see our airplane hanger full of nick knacks, its fantastic. Should be easy to find one, right? Well we all know the answer to that question is, wrong with a capitol W. GPS said he knew where they were so we just followed him, turns out he's a dirty lier. So we pack that idea in, and go to the nearest mall for a browse. Oh look ... a Halloween mega mart at the mall ... glad we wasted all that time chasing a wild goose, only to find that freaking goose, at the god damn mall. After all that, I will say that the shop was pretty cool.

Theres nothing else going on so we casually stroll through the mall ... No, we don't want an electronic smoke with Ed Hardy on it. No thank you, we have no use for silly putty. I already have a watch, I don't need a knock off, but thank you. I'm from New Zealand, but I don't want to smell your perfume, cheers. No I haven't moisturised today and im sure what you are selling is great for tattoos, but we're good. Yes you F'ing C word, we have a F'n iPhone but we would rather you all just F off and leave us in the F alone, cant you see we're trying to avoid you annoying mother F'ers. I did however buy a jacket from the Kardashian collection at Sears. Not to be confused with their shop 'Dash' where they only let a couple of people in at a time and sell hideously over priced pieces of material to people with too much money. So there ya go, a little lesson for ya. Kardashian at Sears is in no way, the same thing as Dash.

We decided to take it down a notch and go see a movie, that'll be nice for a last official night in LA. We got a popcorn and he asked if we wanted butter. By that question we were under the impression that the popcorn started off plain, then they added the butter if you were so inclined. We were wrong, he must have squirted at least a litre on that already sufficiently buttered medium popcorn, OK I'm exaggerating. We went to see 50/50. **Spoiler alert** Funny then sad, then funny for a while, sad for a wee while, funny then really happy.

Back to 'Good Nite Inn' for our last sleep *wipes a wee tear from eye*

Thursday, 6 October 2011

Pack up our gear to check out of the Riviera, we're going to stay an extra night in Las Vegas but we might as well try somewhere else. We found a room at the Flamingo, its heaps busier than the last place and more central, but that doesn't make much of a difference we still have to walk for hours to get anywhere.
We go for a bit more shop looking, only wee purchases nothing that's going to break the bank. Then on the way back to our accommodation we stop in at Sephora (every kind of make up you could ever want or need ... ever), which I've been eyeing up every drive by, but today is the day. So there's the shop, and then the fact that it's in Las Vegas, pretty much my own personal Disneyland. I could spend all day here but Mark already has enough makeup, so hes not overly excited about it all. On our way out I see the airbrush testers *Que angel harp music* Well I cant leave without a play, so i painted my whole hand shiny brown and pink. Am i dreaming does this place really exist!

Back to the room for a relax. We can see real live flamingos out the window, I like pink birdies. Plans for tonight, go see the water show outside the Bellagio and give the Volcano outside the Mirage a proper close up watch. We had dinner at the food court in the hotel then off to see the shows.

Its been raining most of the day and its cold. This place is defiantly not built for rain. We tried to buy a cup cake from the hotel cafe but they wouldn't sell it because its been raining and there was a puddle out front of the register. Let me just try to understand for a minute, what you're trying to say to me is, you don't want our money? The travelators aren't going but we still have to walk down them, they are slippery as hell, without a doubt some ones going to break an ass on these.

Water show at the Bellagio was fantastic. Water danced away to 'proud to be an American' for 3 odd minutes. Even their water is patriotic, way more patriotic than NZ water.. Volcano show up close was good, not only for the show but the fire was warm.

Now were back at the hotel chillin, sad because our holiday is going to be over in a couple of days. And we will have to return to flushing our own toilets, now that's going to be an adjustment. Over here most of the public toilets flush themselves when you stand up. NZ toilets could really take a page out of US toilets book. Booooooooo!

Wednesday, 5 October 2011

Day 30. Las Vegas. Fox News!

You will have to excuse me as I am writing this section while I am ever so slightly intoxicated. So today's 'blog' if you must, I feel a bit retarded saying that I'm writing a 'blog' but that's the official name of it, so whatever. I think I'm going to start with the end of the day and work my way to the start, with the chance of some third person commentary. We just got home from Harrahs, actually I'm lying we've just been at the Sirens Of Treasure Island BUT before that we went to see 'Legends in Concert' at Harrahs. A very awesome concert featuring Elvis, some black lady, some country dude, Lady Ga Ga and Michael Jackson impersonators. 10/10 and I'll tell you why.
Ladies across the world Rejoice, for today, peanut bladder triumphs over all that is evil and unholy. I have a new lease on life and its all thanks to my old lady drinking bladder.

Scene: A couple sitting in a show, second to back table squished in with 3 ladies they'd rather not be sitting with. Impersonator Elvis is singing, he is very good. A country dude comes on who is also very good, and while Kate likes country music as much as the next guy, she just had a giant icy drink and nature calls. She informs her partner 'Mark' that she needs to use the facilities, only to be palmed off with a disapproving 'you only went 10 minutes ago you boozehag' head shake. On her way out a staff member says something in her ear, she smiles because she knows she will never get a disapproving 'you only went 10 minutes ago you boozehag' head shake, from Mark ever again. On her way back in she sees the same staff member and he gives her a nod. She returns to her seat and says something in Marks ear, a perplexed look comes over his face as he retrieves her bag from the floor. He gets up and follows Staff Man and Kate down the isle, Staff Man leads them to a very comfortable looking booth seat rather close to the front. And that ladies and gentlemen is where they sit for the rest of the show. No one will ever know exactly what Staff Man said to Kate that fateful night, or why they were given this extraordinary upgrade. But we do know one thing for sure, the next time Kate needs to inconvenience Mark with a toilet stop and he's annoyed about it. Remember that time when ......... End scene.

We were hanging out doing a bit of nothing much so we decide to go check out 'The Gun Store' another firing range. While the glock in Dallas was nice, we feel like we need something bigger. Its very busy here, the girl gives a piece of paper with all our options on it. There's a couple of package deals we decide to go with. I get 'the ladies package' it was the cheapest, I get to fire 2 guns a hand gun of some sorts and a pink AK47 yusss. Mark goes with the 'Coalition' he gets 3 guns, the Sar (which is an automatic machine gun), M4 and a hand gun. The wait time is about an hour, so we wait. Theres a man with an official looking video camera taking shots in the waiting area. Cool we might be on TV. We get to the front of the line and the man asked if either of us were firing the Sar today. Yes actually, Mark is. The man says perfect we've been waiting for someone to pick this one all morning, I hope you don't mind being filmed. Its for Fox news. Ahh crap. They take us through to the range and film Mark getting his instructions and then firing it. OK so you will go out for your interview then we'll bring you back in for the rest of your package. Interview? A nervous 5 minute interview later, we get to go back in and shoot our other guns. Mark did really well having this sprung on him, so we'll see if he makes it to TV the News Man is going to email him when its sorted. FYI if you're ever going to be shot by someone, and you get to choose who shoots you. Choose me, I didn't make a single face shot the whole time.

We find the Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas sign for photos. It has its own centre of the road parking lot so it's very busy. We patiently wait in line and finally get our turn, a tourist offers to take our pictures for us, sweet. Something happens with the operator that prevented her from actually taking the picture, twice. People start walking up for their pictures, well I guess our turn is over, rude mofos. We'll come back tomorrow.

We really need a Giant Red Bull after all this window shopping and we haven't had one in a whole day, a 16 ouncer will do just nicely please.

Well its morning now and its time to see the other part of the outlet mall. We need to buy a new bag to bring back, bag overflow.

Total pokie machine loss $55

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Day 29. Las Vegas

No plans today, we're just gonna wing it. We have a bus pass from last night that's good until tonight so we're going to loiter around a couple more casinos. The bus down the strip is hideously slow because it stops most blocks, and then for the lights. A 15 minute walk could easily take 30 minutes, but its air conditioned, so it could take an hour for all I care. It was made a little more entertaining by the bus driver road raging over the loud speaker. "Watch yourself!" "why you gonna be pulling out like that when you're looking right at me"

First stop Ceasers palace. This place is rediculous, it has more shops in the casino than the whole of Rotorua has . Can't afford anything inside the shops, but they're shops all the same.

Remember that pesky craving I had for cheesecake only to be shot down by cheese steaks. Hello The Cheesecake Factory. Cheesecake was good , Marks' cutlery came out all crazy kinds of dirty. Like they took it out back, dumped them in front of the homeless guy, he gave them a lick (and not a very good lick at that) then wrapped them back up. Head out to the pool and take a load off on the lying down deck chairs. Which happen to be more comfortable than the beds in Moab but I'm so over that, obviously. Its cool that you can just roll up on any hotel and just hang out.

Next stop Paris Casino, walk around for a while nothing too exciting going on there today. Found the 'Sugar factory' they do those lolly pops with the bedazzled sticks you see celebrities with. $25 for one lolly pop, I think I can live without it.

Slow bus home, got to try and figure out what we're going to do tonight. I really want to go see Elton John but he's only playing on Thursday night and the cheapest tickets they had left are $180 each, we'll think about it. So we settle for the Riviera 'Dinner and Show' its a buffet dinner then a comedy show. We put $20 each into the slot machines, I'm still writing this so needless to say, we didn't hit the jackpot. Thundery rainy afternoon, perfect for a Nana nap!

Comedy show was cool. He pretty much called everyone in the front two rows, a dick or an asshole for various reasons. For anyone that knows me you will understand why I thoroughly enjoyed it. We were a little bit back so we were safe, not to say that we are neither a dick or an asshole but he didn't call us one in public, so that makes us feel better.

Monday, 3 October 2011

Daay 28.Las Vegas

Today's plan, do a lot of nothing much. So we're going to attempt some shopping . There's a giant outlet store mall a couple of minutes down the road, we'll check that sucka out. What cant be too much bigger than the central mall right? He he JK people come on! This place has every shop you could ever need. Its hot as hell, we buy a couple of things then make our way back to the safety of the air conditioned car.
Now we're off to find the skating rink, not that difficult thanks to our friend Tom Tom.Brought a pair of skates destined to be hammered outside, red ones because everyone knows that red ones go faster. And they were the only only ones they had in my size and I didn't have a choice, but mainly because they go faster. We got tickets for the rink with the purchase of the skates, i tried to make Mark skate but he was concerned about falling on his bung knee, fair enough.

Back to the hotel to start the relaxing because really, shopping isn't that relaxing, we were walking for hours and our feet hurt. Man I'm a pack of whingers, but they do. We want to see a show tonight so we go find the cheap ticket stand, there's one in Circus Circus, its just across the road, easy. Its still pretty far away even though its 'just across the road' lucky Marks here because I'd defiantly get lost in these casinos. Two tickets for Carrot Top at the Luxor please.

We got to Luxor casino to see our show and got bailed up by people offering really cheap tickets to other shows. Wow this sounds good, $25 for a show then they give you $100 in food or drink vouchers to use there ..... hold on. *if you go attend a short no obligation seminar on Las Vegas time shares* I'm sorry what? You just said something really fast and quiet. All i could think of is the South Park, snow time share episode. Yeah nah we're gonna pass.

Now up until the start of the show, i thought that Carrot Top was just a roided up douche with really bad eyebrows, which is kind of why I wanted to see it. Man was i wrong, his eyebrows are fantastic, I'm kidding but it was absolutely hilarious pretty much the whole time, and now my face hurts. 10 out of 10

Checked out a couple more casinos after the show. Mandaly Bay, Excalibur and the MGM Grand, its Sunday night so not as pumping as last night but still an ass load of people round. I have a wicked craving for cheesecake, going up an escilator we see a neon sign flash it looks like it says cheesecake, yussss. Cheese Steak, that was just mean! Tired now lets go home.