Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Dog in a purple jersey

Hello nerdy blogger universe you look different from my lounge, have you done something different with your hair? Lounge Blogger, you should really hire a better cleaner also you're heaps more boring than Holiday Blogger but whatevs.

The reason for this today is that I have thoughts that wont fit in mere status updates, and to be fair no one really cares. If anyone actually reads this, enthusiastic high five for not unsubscribing from me.  More than likely I've unsubscribed from you but tomato tomato ya know.

Hrmm so whats been going on, I went to all this effort to sign into this piece and now I can't remember what I wanted to say. I can't remember but I have a feeling all I wanted to talk about was my road rage. Which seems to have subsided in the couple of minutes it took me to write this hrmmmmmmm.

Hunger fuelled illusions? Driving home from work today, 35km/h road raging all the way up Sunset road, the traffic comes to a complete stop. Fan Freakin Tastic, I'm starving, ready to eat my own ass and this bunch of retards don't know how to work their steering wheels. Finally we start moving again, oh I should have known. A dog wearing a purple jersey trotting along the road. I thought this strange as today is definitely way too hot for jerseys.

KARATE KID. I feel sorry for the kids growing up with the Jayden Smiths Karate kid. How is anyone ever suposed to perform that end move on their mates (ya know the one footed, backwards sumersault, face kick and land on the good foot move) It'll never happen. Example, I still do the crane kick on a bi-weekley baisis and feel every bit as awesome as I did when I was a youngin. Boo modern Karate Kid makers. And dont even get me started on the soundtrack Justin Bieber could never replace Joe Esposito 'You're the best around', not even if there was a fire.

Monday, 10 October 2011

HolidayOvertime. Day 3

Didn't manage a sleep in this morning, stink. After last nights debacle, we thought we had better go buy Mark a collared shirt in case we have the same thing happen tonight. We want to be prepared this time. But the hope is fading, at a medium pace. I'm a lot more pissed off now than I was last night. Just FYI.

We sort the shirt out after a couple of taxi rides and go back to the hotel. We couldn't find any of the stand by-ers so we figured that they were already at the airport, so we head there too.

Stack our hobo Esq possessions into a trolley and wheel it to our window side, gypsy camp. See, when you're on standby travel, they don't take your bags when you check in, hence the makeshift gypsy camp. I'm strongly considering stringing a clothes line from the T Mobile charging centre to the pole just here, must keep a look out for supplies. This is where I plan to sit all day, and cry gypsy tears possibly for commercial sale, at a later date.

We individually go check ourselves in for the first flight to Melbourne. Now were just hanging out at the campsite. Marks got his stink war book, listening to his iPod. I'm reading my book on Slash, which by the way is very good. This is big news, as I am pretty much exclusively a gossip magazine reader. Listening to Sonic Alter because supporting New Zealand music i feel will most defiantly help out the good vibes I'm sending to the universe. Also its about the only CD that I can listen to without skipping any songs, which helps when you're engrossed in a good book. Feel like a bit of a freshen up so I visit Duty Free to spritz myself with the latest perfume.

5.30 pm rolls on, better make our way to our seats, where we shall resume our evil waiting game. Pearched  along the window seats enviously watching people being issued their boarding passes while we stress out. That family has six kids that are taking up a whole seat each! Do they really need that much luggage? One by one our fellow stand byers filter in, dump their bags and check in. The two teachers paid an extra $600 each to upgrade to business class, hopefully increasing their chances of being on tonight's flight. We're all a bit deflated but try to stay on the up and up. The lady comes over a lot earlier than usual and hands out boarding passes to the teachers. We're all genuinely happy for them, as we've grown quite fond of our new airport family. We continue to wait, checking the clock every minute, surely they've closed off check in by now! The man comes over and he has three tickets in his hand, Mark and Kate? Yussssss! In our minds we're dancing a jig but on the outside we calmly stand up and take the tickets. Now our attention switches to Jason, the five nighter, 6 Day-er. *Insert suspense music here* (Slow motion voice) Jaaaayyysssooohhhn? Anyone would think he had just won first division. Now there's only two of the standbyers left behind, we hope to see them on the plane but if history is anything to go by, we're not holding our breath. Nek minute, who rolls up but our old mate Bieber (nicknamed by one of the teachers because his appearance had ever so slight Bieber undertones) he made it. As for the other guy, well he was left by himself. Did he make the Brisbane flight? I guess we'll never know.

Sunday, 9 October 2011

Day 32. Las Vegas to LA

While in Las Vegas we have been half heartily following the Michael Jackson trial. They put the pictures and audio evidence on TV. I wasn't expecting them to show the picture of him dead on his hospital bed but they did. At this point in my legal opinion all I can conclude is that his doctor is a douche, and Michael Jackson is cool.
Heading to LA today, so we need to visit the Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas sign this morning, its not too busy so we get our snaps then push off.

Mark sees an abandoned water park on the way to LA so we make a wee detour. All the slides have been taken out so there's no fun to be had here. Actually ... there's no one around, it'd be rude not to play with some firecrackers. Tried to light the whole box but it was really windy and wasn't happening. Same goes for the sparklers BOOOOO!

Made our way into LA, we figured we might as well go back to the motel we started at because it was cheap. Got a room there, just so happens to be a million percent better (and the same price) than the first one we stayed in for a week. Whats. With. That.

Americans take their Halloween super sized serious, with a side order of crazy. They have specific superstores with every costume you could ever imagine. If you want to go to a party dressed as a flasher with a giant penis sticking out of your jacket, you can. Or if your party is less for molesters and more family oriented, a packet of M&Ms could do just nicely. Everywhere we go theres a Halloween store, come see our airplane hanger full of nick knacks, its fantastic. Should be easy to find one, right? Well we all know the answer to that question is, wrong with a capitol W. GPS said he knew where they were so we just followed him, turns out he's a dirty lier. So we pack that idea in, and go to the nearest mall for a browse. Oh look ... a Halloween mega mart at the mall ... glad we wasted all that time chasing a wild goose, only to find that freaking goose, at the god damn mall. After all that, I will say that the shop was pretty cool.

Theres nothing else going on so we casually stroll through the mall ... No, we don't want an electronic smoke with Ed Hardy on it. No thank you, we have no use for silly putty. I already have a watch, I don't need a knock off, but thank you. I'm from New Zealand, but I don't want to smell your perfume, cheers. No I haven't moisturised today and im sure what you are selling is great for tattoos, but we're good. Yes you F'ing C word, we have a F'n iPhone but we would rather you all just F off and leave us in the F alone, cant you see we're trying to avoid you annoying mother F'ers. I did however buy a jacket from the Kardashian collection at Sears. Not to be confused with their shop 'Dash' where they only let a couple of people in at a time and sell hideously over priced pieces of material to people with too much money. So there ya go, a little lesson for ya. Kardashian at Sears is in no way, the same thing as Dash.

We decided to take it down a notch and go see a movie, that'll be nice for a last official night in LA. We got a popcorn and he asked if we wanted butter. By that question we were under the impression that the popcorn started off plain, then they added the butter if you were so inclined. We were wrong, he must have squirted at least a litre on that already sufficiently buttered medium popcorn, OK I'm exaggerating. We went to see 50/50. **Spoiler alert** Funny then sad, then funny for a while, sad for a wee while, funny then really happy.

Back to 'Good Nite Inn' for our last sleep *wipes a wee tear from eye*

Thursday, 6 October 2011

Pack up our gear to check out of the Riviera, we're going to stay an extra night in Las Vegas but we might as well try somewhere else. We found a room at the Flamingo, its heaps busier than the last place and more central, but that doesn't make much of a difference we still have to walk for hours to get anywhere.
We go for a bit more shop looking, only wee purchases nothing that's going to break the bank. Then on the way back to our accommodation we stop in at Sephora (every kind of make up you could ever want or need ... ever), which I've been eyeing up every drive by, but today is the day. So there's the shop, and then the fact that it's in Las Vegas, pretty much my own personal Disneyland. I could spend all day here but Mark already has enough makeup, so hes not overly excited about it all. On our way out I see the airbrush testers *Que angel harp music* Well I cant leave without a play, so i painted my whole hand shiny brown and pink. Am i dreaming does this place really exist!

Back to the room for a relax. We can see real live flamingos out the window, I like pink birdies. Plans for tonight, go see the water show outside the Bellagio and give the Volcano outside the Mirage a proper close up watch. We had dinner at the food court in the hotel then off to see the shows.

Its been raining most of the day and its cold. This place is defiantly not built for rain. We tried to buy a cup cake from the hotel cafe but they wouldn't sell it because its been raining and there was a puddle out front of the register. Let me just try to understand for a minute, what you're trying to say to me is, you don't want our money? The travelators aren't going but we still have to walk down them, they are slippery as hell, without a doubt some ones going to break an ass on these.

Water show at the Bellagio was fantastic. Water danced away to 'proud to be an American' for 3 odd minutes. Even their water is patriotic, way more patriotic than NZ water.. Volcano show up close was good, not only for the show but the fire was warm.

Now were back at the hotel chillin, sad because our holiday is going to be over in a couple of days. And we will have to return to flushing our own toilets, now that's going to be an adjustment. Over here most of the public toilets flush themselves when you stand up. NZ toilets could really take a page out of US toilets book. Booooooooo!

Wednesday, 5 October 2011

Day 30. Las Vegas. Fox News!

You will have to excuse me as I am writing this section while I am ever so slightly intoxicated. So today's 'blog' if you must, I feel a bit retarded saying that I'm writing a 'blog' but that's the official name of it, so whatever. I think I'm going to start with the end of the day and work my way to the start, with the chance of some third person commentary. We just got home from Harrahs, actually I'm lying we've just been at the Sirens Of Treasure Island BUT before that we went to see 'Legends in Concert' at Harrahs. A very awesome concert featuring Elvis, some black lady, some country dude, Lady Ga Ga and Michael Jackson impersonators. 10/10 and I'll tell you why.
Ladies across the world Rejoice, for today, peanut bladder triumphs over all that is evil and unholy. I have a new lease on life and its all thanks to my old lady drinking bladder.

Scene: A couple sitting in a show, second to back table squished in with 3 ladies they'd rather not be sitting with. Impersonator Elvis is singing, he is very good. A country dude comes on who is also very good, and while Kate likes country music as much as the next guy, she just had a giant icy drink and nature calls. She informs her partner 'Mark' that she needs to use the facilities, only to be palmed off with a disapproving 'you only went 10 minutes ago you boozehag' head shake. On her way out a staff member says something in her ear, she smiles because she knows she will never get a disapproving 'you only went 10 minutes ago you boozehag' head shake, from Mark ever again. On her way back in she sees the same staff member and he gives her a nod. She returns to her seat and says something in Marks ear, a perplexed look comes over his face as he retrieves her bag from the floor. He gets up and follows Staff Man and Kate down the isle, Staff Man leads them to a very comfortable looking booth seat rather close to the front. And that ladies and gentlemen is where they sit for the rest of the show. No one will ever know exactly what Staff Man said to Kate that fateful night, or why they were given this extraordinary upgrade. But we do know one thing for sure, the next time Kate needs to inconvenience Mark with a toilet stop and he's annoyed about it. Remember that time when ......... End scene.

We were hanging out doing a bit of nothing much so we decide to go check out 'The Gun Store' another firing range. While the glock in Dallas was nice, we feel like we need something bigger. Its very busy here, the girl gives a piece of paper with all our options on it. There's a couple of package deals we decide to go with. I get 'the ladies package' it was the cheapest, I get to fire 2 guns a hand gun of some sorts and a pink AK47 yusss. Mark goes with the 'Coalition' he gets 3 guns, the Sar (which is an automatic machine gun), M4 and a hand gun. The wait time is about an hour, so we wait. Theres a man with an official looking video camera taking shots in the waiting area. Cool we might be on TV. We get to the front of the line and the man asked if either of us were firing the Sar today. Yes actually, Mark is. The man says perfect we've been waiting for someone to pick this one all morning, I hope you don't mind being filmed. Its for Fox news. Ahh crap. They take us through to the range and film Mark getting his instructions and then firing it. OK so you will go out for your interview then we'll bring you back in for the rest of your package. Interview? A nervous 5 minute interview later, we get to go back in and shoot our other guns. Mark did really well having this sprung on him, so we'll see if he makes it to TV the News Man is going to email him when its sorted. FYI if you're ever going to be shot by someone, and you get to choose who shoots you. Choose me, I didn't make a single face shot the whole time.

We find the Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas sign for photos. It has its own centre of the road parking lot so it's very busy. We patiently wait in line and finally get our turn, a tourist offers to take our pictures for us, sweet. Something happens with the operator that prevented her from actually taking the picture, twice. People start walking up for their pictures, well I guess our turn is over, rude mofos. We'll come back tomorrow.

We really need a Giant Red Bull after all this window shopping and we haven't had one in a whole day, a 16 ouncer will do just nicely please.

Well its morning now and its time to see the other part of the outlet mall. We need to buy a new bag to bring back, bag overflow.

Total pokie machine loss $55

Tuesday, 4 October 2011

Day 29. Las Vegas

No plans today, we're just gonna wing it. We have a bus pass from last night that's good until tonight so we're going to loiter around a couple more casinos. The bus down the strip is hideously slow because it stops most blocks, and then for the lights. A 15 minute walk could easily take 30 minutes, but its air conditioned, so it could take an hour for all I care. It was made a little more entertaining by the bus driver road raging over the loud speaker. "Watch yourself!" "why you gonna be pulling out like that when you're looking right at me"

First stop Ceasers palace. This place is rediculous, it has more shops in the casino than the whole of Rotorua has . Can't afford anything inside the shops, but they're shops all the same.

Remember that pesky craving I had for cheesecake only to be shot down by cheese steaks. Hello The Cheesecake Factory. Cheesecake was good , Marks' cutlery came out all crazy kinds of dirty. Like they took it out back, dumped them in front of the homeless guy, he gave them a lick (and not a very good lick at that) then wrapped them back up. Head out to the pool and take a load off on the lying down deck chairs. Which happen to be more comfortable than the beds in Moab but I'm so over that, obviously. Its cool that you can just roll up on any hotel and just hang out.

Next stop Paris Casino, walk around for a while nothing too exciting going on there today. Found the 'Sugar factory' they do those lolly pops with the bedazzled sticks you see celebrities with. $25 for one lolly pop, I think I can live without it.

Slow bus home, got to try and figure out what we're going to do tonight. I really want to go see Elton John but he's only playing on Thursday night and the cheapest tickets they had left are $180 each, we'll think about it. So we settle for the Riviera 'Dinner and Show' its a buffet dinner then a comedy show. We put $20 each into the slot machines, I'm still writing this so needless to say, we didn't hit the jackpot. Thundery rainy afternoon, perfect for a Nana nap!

Comedy show was cool. He pretty much called everyone in the front two rows, a dick or an asshole for various reasons. For anyone that knows me you will understand why I thoroughly enjoyed it. We were a little bit back so we were safe, not to say that we are neither a dick or an asshole but he didn't call us one in public, so that makes us feel better.

Monday, 3 October 2011

Daay 28.Las Vegas

Today's plan, do a lot of nothing much. So we're going to attempt some shopping . There's a giant outlet store mall a couple of minutes down the road, we'll check that sucka out. What cant be too much bigger than the central mall right? He he JK people come on! This place has every shop you could ever need. Its hot as hell, we buy a couple of things then make our way back to the safety of the air conditioned car.
Now we're off to find the skating rink, not that difficult thanks to our friend Tom Tom.Brought a pair of skates destined to be hammered outside, red ones because everyone knows that red ones go faster. And they were the only only ones they had in my size and I didn't have a choice, but mainly because they go faster. We got tickets for the rink with the purchase of the skates, i tried to make Mark skate but he was concerned about falling on his bung knee, fair enough.

Back to the hotel to start the relaxing because really, shopping isn't that relaxing, we were walking for hours and our feet hurt. Man I'm a pack of whingers, but they do. We want to see a show tonight so we go find the cheap ticket stand, there's one in Circus Circus, its just across the road, easy. Its still pretty far away even though its 'just across the road' lucky Marks here because I'd defiantly get lost in these casinos. Two tickets for Carrot Top at the Luxor please.

We got to Luxor casino to see our show and got bailed up by people offering really cheap tickets to other shows. Wow this sounds good, $25 for a show then they give you $100 in food or drink vouchers to use there ..... hold on. *if you go attend a short no obligation seminar on Las Vegas time shares* I'm sorry what? You just said something really fast and quiet. All i could think of is the South Park, snow time share episode. Yeah nah we're gonna pass.

Now up until the start of the show, i thought that Carrot Top was just a roided up douche with really bad eyebrows, which is kind of why I wanted to see it. Man was i wrong, his eyebrows are fantastic, I'm kidding but it was absolutely hilarious pretty much the whole time, and now my face hurts. 10 out of 10

Checked out a couple more casinos after the show. Mandaly Bay, Excalibur and the MGM Grand, its Sunday night so not as pumping as last night but still an ass load of people round. I have a wicked craving for cheesecake, going up an escilator we see a neon sign flash it looks like it says cheesecake, yussss. Cheese Steak, that was just mean! Tired now lets go home.

Sunday, 2 October 2011

Day 27. Williams to Las Vegas

Finally got some sleep, still woke up early but its all good. Breakfast at the motel, spent 10 minutes watching a lady monopolise the whole breakfast area with her geriatric muffin preparing skills "I'm hogging all the space aren't i" "Why yes, yes you are, now move your geriatric, man voice having ass, or I'll move it for you" we didn't say that but it was defiantly a thought. All the while people politely stood by and waited for this inconsiderate woman to master her butter smearing skills.
We're going to see the Hoover Dam this morning. Dam's and mechanical boy stuff, not really my scene but Mark wants to see it so I'm on board. We took a tour of the power plant, along with a million other people. Surprisingly they squished the whole million of us into two elevators, there were personal space violations all over the show. Its so damn hot, we take a walk over the dam but don't hang around too long. Next stop Las Vegas!

We've booked a room at the Riviera from Sunday until Wednesday, but today is Saturday so we go in to see if we can just grab an extra night. Wait in line for 45 minutes infornt of two obnoxious loud line talkers. Only for a "We're sold out for tonight" Maaaan. We go to Mc Donalds across the road to use their Internet, hopefully find a place to stay. Checked out a couple of places but I thought we should try book a room at the same place, just because. Well what do ya know, they sure aren't sold out, lying mofo. So back to the line, its bigger than last time but its regular line volume so its OK.

Found our room in the casino maze, so now we're going to see what the deal is with the tattoo expo. Its at the MGM Mirage but brain fart took us to the MGM Grand, which is a whole separate place. Woops. Attempt two MGM Mirage: The sign says that the parking is down here, this must be it, we find a park and make our way in. Treasure Island? ... MOTHERFUDGER! Conveniently it has a tram to the Mirage so its not so bad anymore. Another maze through slot machines to get to the expo, but we made it. Got our tickets and went in, pretty cool, heaps of tattooers doin work. Exotic animal show going on up front. I almost got a new tattoo but decided last minute it probably wasn't a good idea. Could have been the best tattoo of my life, could have been the worst, we'll never know.

Finish up there and go find dinner, we see a sign for somewhere familiar and start making our way there. It's somewhere in this casino, hiding away through a sea of game tables and pokies, now there's a surprise. Cant be bothered finding it so we grab subway and be done with it. We watch the volcano at the front of the Mirage go off, with a cool fire and water show. Then we checked out The Venetian, holey moley! No wonder this place never stops the ceiling is painted blue sky and clouds, blue water canals and singing gondolas help to keep up the illusion. The temperature has a pleasant outdoor feel compared to actual outside which is stinkin hot, you would never know what time it is outside.

Make our way back to the car then back to the hotel. The room is nice with two double beds, starfish tonight! Internet usage is $10 a day, so we're going to steal Mc Donalds wifi when necessary. We can see the pool from here but nothings going on at the moment. First room with an iPod Dock and the air Conditioning is the quietest we've had the whole trip.

Tomorrow day we rest up so we can explore tomorrow night!

Friday, 30 September 2011

Day 26. Moab to the Grand Canyon

No sleep again last night. This must be the most uncomfortable bed in the history of creation, i mean, i fall asleep at the movies for Christ sakes. Maybe, just maybe, the anticipation of getting our laundry on tomorrow morning, is just too much excitement for me, we'll never know. Were both tired so we sluggishly pack our gear and hit the road en route to the laundromat.
So here we are at the laundromat, the guy is super nice $1.50 to wash and 75 cents to dry, if that's not a bargain i don't know what is! So anyway we're hanging out marks reading a National Geographic and I'm putting the photos from the memory cards onto the computer, but where's the small camera? Well I didn't see it this morning ... or did i? Mark didn't see it this morning ... or did he? We tear the car apart with no love. Mark goes back to the log hut to see if we left it on the bed, but they've already cleared the room and said they didn't find it ... or did they? If I didn't see it, and Mark didn't see it, it had to be the hostel man *insert suspense music here* Turns out it was wedged in the side compartment in the car, woopsies. Crisis averted, back to the washing.

On the road again we plan to stay a a weeny bit shy of the Grand Canyon, but that doesn't happen, the town we planned to stay in doesn't have accommodation so we carry on. We make it to the Canyon, it really is quite Grand. I was expecting an angel band to float down from the sky when I first laid eyes on this enormous hole in the ground, but sadly that didn't happen. This is an extreme tourist destination so there's Asians all up in our grills and the toilets are hideous. But what a stunning place. There's a lot of view stops along the canyon rim so we stop a couple of times for photos, stalking pumas, deer and general farting around. There are tree fires along a decent section of the road, so smoke everywhere. We met a guy that was moving from New York to Las Vegas. We invited ourselves to stay at his house tomorrow night (i think he thought we were joking) but he hasn't got a place yet, he did say we could stay in his tent though. With weekend accommodation triple the price in Las Vegas we just might have to take him up on his offer.

Now's about the time of the day when we need to find somewhere to stay, woop ee. Everywhere we see looks expensive. I can tell this by my handy 2 second scan, Porter trolleys = expensive, Statues of wild animals out front = expensive, Self opening doors = expensive, staff have waistcoats on = Forged-abowt-it! A couple of call-ins confirms my economic predictions, so we carry on. Found a Super8 in Williams, no communal showers and toilets for us today, high rollers!

Thursday, 29 September 2011

Day 25. Moab Still

Raft trip this morning, looking forward to just relaxing, on account of I am sore every single where. We had a stink sleep last night, which is so far off from the all time worlds best sleep,I had predicted for last night.
Head to the raft headquarters for our half day Colorado river trip. We're with a bunch of oldies but its all good, we're looking for a mellow day anyways.

Today is cheesy matching tourist day, Horray! I was hoping to celebrate this special day by wearing matching American flag shirts, but we haven't seen any and even if we did I'm pretty sure we wouldn't want to pay for them. If it has to be American flag bandanas, then so be it. We're going to rock matching bandanas so hard, Brett Michael's hair extensions will be jealous.

On the bus ride out to the raft put in point, the guide points out a little spring, flowing fresh drinkable water. Well this is information that could have come in handy YESTERDAY! Because this beautiful spring, right on the side of the road, was at the exact point where we almost gave up on life, just yesterday afternoon. Anyway the raft trip was cool, the exact opposite of 'The River Wild' super calm, teeny weeny little rapids, a few splashes here and there but nothing life threatening. Cool guides with heaps of information and some of the funniest, hilarious only because they're lame, jokes I've heard in a long time.

Back to the hut to get out of the scorching sun for a while then off to do some sight seeing. You could spend months here and still not see half of it, but for now we're just going to look at some big rocks. Everywhere you look there's something awesome to see, god damn theres a lot of rocks here. Rocks and dust, sounds boring yes, surprisingly not that boring.

I've seen a billboard advertising 18 ounce Margaritas, so tonight, we hunt this place down. I say hunt it down, but its not that hard. There aren't many streets here in Moab, but I'll just throw it in there to make it sound intense. Found it, yussss. Had some dinner and a couple of drinks, they don't have pudding so we are directed to a cup cake shop just down the road. These cup cakes are freaking delicious. I would say that they are better than the 'Carlos Bakery' ones, and then I would even go so far as to say they were better than the Disneyland one. I was pretty confident at the time, that i had hit my cup cake, life time high, and it was only down from there. How wrong was I, and for that I am glad.

Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Day 24. Ride Moab

Up early this morning, we have a big ride today so we're running premium breakfast fuel. Mc Donalds. But we do get the yoghurt and cereal so you can stop judging us.

Make our way to the bike shop to pick up our bikes for the day and catch the shuttle. Hoo-freakin-ray the slag from yesterday is our staff member for the morning. She takes us out to the bikes and gives us the spiel. 'In your saddle bag there are tyre leavers, these are used to get the bead off the rim' oh shit, lucky you told us that, not like Marks' been riding for 20 odd years. But i guess its standard practice. Not sure if its standard to tell people that the pro pedal locks out the back shock completely, so you must never turn the switch ... She goes on to tell Mark that he's the first rider of a brand spanker and if it comes back with a dent/scratch we will be charged accordingly. Because god help if a mountain bike ever got a scratch on it. But Its OK he'll bead the breaks in for you, you're welcome. Way to ruin our ride before we even left the shop lady.

Shuttle ride takes a bit over an hour, way the hell over there. The other guys in the shuttle are asking the driver what the track is like, he's pretty much saying on a difficulty scale he would give it a 9 out of 10. Aww crap, it will be alright I'll just have to handle.

Its a scorcher of a day, 36 degrees in fact. No shade anywhere, Mark is the pack man carrying a ridiculous heavy bag. Starts off cool, took a bit of getting used to riding on the rocks but its all good. Had a few scenic picture and drink stops. The heat is getting a bit much for me and my bike is THE loudest heap. Creaky pedals and out of line derailier make the chain go all over the show (i have a silent bike at home, because i have the best bike mechanic) this noise is splendid when you're spending 5 hours pretty much riding down steps. I'm getting angry. Near the end of the ride there's a lot of un rideable rock drops, this shit is exhausting. Mark hasn't had much water because hes been making sure theres enough for me. He's very dehydrated and not a happy camper. Finish up at the Colorado river, just a wee 5 mile road ride home, hope we make it. Got back had a sit down and drowned our sorrows in a giant powerade.

Back at the log cabin again tonight. Had lunch/dinner at the pub, very nice. Booked ourselves a half day raft trip for tomorrow. Hope its nothing like the river wild he he

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Day 23. Coloradoto Moab

I was tired last night, didn't put really any love into what i was writing so i will add on some small extras, more for personal record than for your entertainment. I do realise the soap is all very boring to you. So bear with me.
Last nights motel: First to have complimentary muesli on our pillows on arrival (in packets, not just randomly sprinkled, in case you were wondering). First motel with complimentary toothpaste, which I will have you know cleans plaque 5x better than regular toothpaste paste, how about that!

Every petrol station we go into I've been seeing these giant 20 ounce cans of vodka pre mixes. I've been wanting one since the first day we saw them, mainly because they are 12%ers, tonight is the night! I'm sure it's going to taste like crap, but there's pretty pictures on them so I'm compelled. Yip it tastes like crap, ah well i tried.

Today: On our way to Moab, just a short 4 hour drive. Stoped at the pretty lake to have a play, Mark skimmed some rocks, I biffed some in the same general direction. Restroom stop at the petrol station we decide to grab a hot dog just to eat while were driving. I wonder why she put cutlery in the bag? Oooh so when i asked for a hot dog, it really meant a sausage with lasagna on top drowning a bun. Good to know.

Came into Moab found the bike shop 'poison spider' Mark saw in the Internet, sorted ourselves out some bikes for tomorrow. We're still in the throws of booking our shuttle up a giant hill, for a 24 mile ride. Real time update: Sorted that out with the help of Chris, he was a super cool dude. The lady .... what a slag.

We're staying in #10 log cabin at the hostel tonight. First place to have, wait for it, DOUBLE BUNK BEDS, oh yes my friends bunk beds. They match up perfectly, so much room to do activities. Also Pantene haircare, it just keeps getting better. No TV so we brought some magazines for entertainment. My 'Special Double Feature' People Magazine is highly disappointing with a single story on Toddlers and Tiaras the other 100 odd pages filled up with pictures and 'you should get botox', but if you do here's 10 pages of side affects you can get. Its a double feature for pete sakes, you would think that there would be at least two stories wouldn't you. Booo!

As I'm writing this in our little log cabin, Marks' outside having a very painful sounding conversation with a man from Switzerland. He cant understand a word Mark says. I just witnessed a legit, 3x repeater. Rotorua, huh, Ro-to-rua, huh, Rooh-tooh-rhua. Im just going to hide here i think. Hes gonna be maaad at me ha ha.

Went out again to sort shit out, stoped in at the pub on the way home. Tipsy off two wines what a champ. Mentally prepare ourselves up for a sore bum tomorrow (I'm talking about the bike ride sickos!)

Monday, 26 September 2011

Day 22. Cheyenne to Gunnison, Colarado

I forgot to say yesterday that we went to see Mt Rushmore. Pretty cool for just a big rock with faces on it. I may need to seek professional medical help when we get home because im having issues with droping anything that will fit, down the side of the seat never to be found again, including the money we needed for a toll road woopsies he he

Today were on our way to Crested Butte hopefully do a bit of mountain biking. Colarado is very pretty, a lovley scenic drive. Not too much going on at Crested Butte, the information centre didnt even have any trail maps and the lifts arent going, so were a bit unfit to be sloging our asses up that giant hill. We're going to wait till we get to Moab for the biking. But damn this place is pretty i bet it goes off in winter!

Drive back to Gunnison, foud somewhere to stay and now were just relaxing which is nice. Mark is geting sick so im sure that means im next booooo!

Sunday, 25 September 2011

Day 21. South Dakota to Cheyenne, Wyoming

For a change today we thought we would just drive all day, havent done that yet. We are on our way to Crested Bute (i dont know how to spell it, it's late) to do a we bit of mountain biking.
The billboard said we could see and feed some Prearie Dogs at the next exit. Sounds like a plan billboard. We pulled up to the shop that claimed we could do this. There's a feild right infront of where we parked and theres heaps of them, just kickn it maxin, relaxin eating some grass. Man alive these things are so freakin cute its rediculous! I wonder what they taste like? ... I was just checking if you were still awake. I dont want to eat one, they are very small he he.

Every billboard we pass is going on about something called 'Wall Drug'. Is it a Shop? A place? Some type of sandwich? Do we need to buy a pipe? A element and spoons? I have no idea why, but i'm sure we will spontaneously combust if we don't go there. Suckered in by the 500 billboards, not surprising.

Turns out 'Wall' was the name of the little country town and I have no idea where the drug part comes  into it, but we had ourselves a casual stroll anyways. A lady accidentally (i think) punched Mark while turning round, didn't even say sorry. I tried on a western shirt but decided against purchase, although it made me feel as flash as Michael Jackson, reastically I would never wear it.

On our way over to New York they kept taking hours away from us, but yesterday and today we got a couple back, not overly exciting it just means we were driving longer.

Decided we would stay in Cheyenne. Found a Motel6 then went to the Ausie Steakhouse for dinner. Marks steak attempt number two, success! Now for sleep so we can do it all again tomorow.

Saturday, 24 September 2011

Day 20. Driving from wherever we were to South Dakota

Ooh this is a first, we're able to take advantage of the advertised 'free breakfast' because the food looks half way decent, who would have thunk it. Its good too because now, we can spend the money that we would have spent on breakfast, on lollies and Red bull yussss! We haven't tried a 'Moon Pie' yet so we give that a go. Mark picks the banana flavour and man it reeks. It's really quite disgusting. It crumbled all over the show, all in all an inconvenient driving snack. I'm still not exactly sure what it is, the smell barrier only allowed for a small taste. I give it a disappointing 0 out of 5 stars.
Broken record alert: Another long day driving, headed in the direction or Mt Rushmore. Yeah yeah, it is just a couple of dudes faces on the side of a hill, but i still want to see it. Its going to be a long day so i'll put in a couple of hours on my 'super top secret driving project'. Which by the way, has no purpose but to keep my simple mind entertained on these long legs of the journey. I'm still not going to tell you about it though.

Should we stop in Sparta? What kind of a question is that, it's our duty to stop in Sparta. Not only shall we stop in Sparta, we shall recreate a scene from 300. It'd be rude not to.

Driving through Amish land we see a guy riding his horse drawn cart. He waves at us and i take a photo of him. All the while singing to myself "hitching up the buggy, churning lots of butter, raise the barn on Monday soon I'll raise another" this is a snippet from Amish Paradise for those who aren't familiar with Weird Als' parody of 'Gangsta Paradise' i know what i mean.

Then really we just did a whole bunch of driving. Had a couple of rest stops, now were at the motel. Which is just lovely, it doesn't look like much from the outside BUT this is in fact the first motel with a fake flower arrangement on the table and a plant on the rack over there. How about that!

Now to find something for dinner. We saw some places just down the road, we'll check them out. 'Family friendly' splendid, sounds positively wholesome. Table for two please. Waiting for our dinner we stop to take in our surroundings. Seems like everybody here is shall we say, old as fook. Surely we didn't just unknowingly walk into a rest home. Or did we? I got my meal accompanying salad early so i go to work. The lettuce looks old and gross so I'm just going to eat the croutons. I'm not an animal, so I'm going to eat them with my fork. Mid crouton stab, a piece flies off and shoots directly in my eyeball, fan freaking tastic, how am i going to explain this to the ambulance. Mark ordered a steak, with no sharp corners so i should be safe for the rest if the meal. Or is it a steak? Seeems like this is just a flat sausage in breadcrumbs. We were joking just before the food came out, that the food is probably pre chewed, doesn't seem so funny now. I see there's pumpkin pie on the desert menu, i doubt I'll like it but I've never had it before, might as well make the whole meal a write off. Not spew worthy but i wouldn't have it again. Marks was nice so hopefully that makes up for his pre chewed sausage meal. We were gathering ourselves and preparing to leave one of the 'residents' came over to tell me that she loved my Vegas tattoo, rock on old lady :)

Friday, 23 September 2011

Day 18. Driving from Canada to Wherever

Breakfast in Canada this morning, we don't have any Canadian money but we do have a Visa card so we'll be sweet .... pause ..... not! We don't take visa but we do take MasterCard, woopie. They take American money luckily but we only have a $100 note. 90 Canadian dollars, what a pain in the ass.
On the road again for another long drive, I'm watching the GPS ... two minutes since i last checked, maaaaaan. Have to cross back to the USA today, that took a very long time. I thought the time was going slow before GPS just slapped an extra hour on, brilliant.

So there's not a lot going on really, that's why I'm writing this in the car again. I feel like I'm over the last Subway trauma, so we'll just jump right back on that horse and have it for lunch. This was a good experience, my will to live and faith in sandwich artists has been restored, only just.

For those who were wondering the soap didn't smell like a camel last night, so that's good. Also, there was soap and get this ... a body wash sachet. Soap in liquid form, ged-oudda here! Inspired by my liquid soap experience I decided that we could splash out on body wash so i can sleep at night, without having to worry about, whether or not the next soap is going to be acceptable for my nostrils. Just a little insight there, because that's about it at the moment.

I have been on the search for a new pair of shoes. As some of you know i only have one pair of non sports related shoes, they're almost dead. Anyway we've looked I'm about a million shops but nothing. This may be because the pair in my brain doesn't exist. I'm not even sure what I want, but I have a feeling that they look exactly like my snowboard boots, but in shoe form. So there ya go, exciting huh. Bet you're glad you read this today.

I've just used up the entire camera battery working on a super top secret driving project. One of which I shall not divulge any details as previously mentioned, it is in fact .... super top secret. Just thought i'd put it out there.

Staying at the Super 8 in Harmony, Illinois. We think, were not even sure if that's a place. First room with a fridge, and a coffee pot! Using the motel washing facilities, golden. Moving on up folks.

Thursday, 22 September 2011

Day 16: Scott, Pensylvania to Canadia Eh

Going to see Niagra Falls today, just a short 4 and a half hour drive.
Mc Donalds for a 'Sausage and Egg Biscuit' I know sounds it sounds gross BUT this could be the best Mc Donalds food ever. With the 'Mc Griddle' which is a whole separate can of worms following close behind. So its like a sausage and egg Mc Muffin but instead of the muffin its a freakin scone, but better! Anyway

I find myself here, in the passenger seat for another long water boy shift, dispensing high quality H2O and soothing Marks eardrums with my angelic vocals. There's not a lot going on really .... I wonder what the soap at the next Motel is going to smell like? Last nights soap smelled like a camel, i hope its better tonight. Will the next motel have 'Special Rates', squealy feeling carpet, cigarette burns all over the bath or a designated area for your wall unit? So many magical mysteries, and yes that last bit is off Saturday Night Live.

GPS decided that we should see Niagra Falls from the Canada side and who are we to argue with technology. We made it through the border and after a couple of wrong turns we found the falls. Lucky too because they're soo small you could easily drive right on past them ..... he he. Spectacular to say the least. We went down under the falls that was pretty cool and whaddya know, another stylish poncho.

Lunch at the first place we came across 'Margueritaville', guess I can deal with that. Baby back ribs to share, yum but expensive. So if we don't eat for the next couple of days we'll be sweet.

Stoped in at a Motel to see what the prices over here are like, $50 for the night, yip that'll do. The room is nice with 2x Double beds yusssss! This also marks the first motel that:

a) Has a light on the ceiling (I know exciting right) only one but still better than a lamp

b) Doesn't have a hideous loud fan that comes on when we turn on the bathroom light.

c) Has a cot

Things are looking up kid. Now for the soap ......

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Day 16. NYC to Scott, Pensylvania

It was very late last night when i wrote my 'Diary' if you must, i forgot to mention that on the bus home we saw a lady with the funkiest beard (and i don't mean funky in a good way) I know I say this a lot, but it actually looked like pubes on her chin and Mark will back me up on that one. Come on man, you have a blue tooth connected to your ear. You care enough to not give yourself brain cancer but you can't invest in a little landscaping ON YOUR FACE I don't even know man. I'm sure she has a great personality tho.
Another bus to catch into NYC this morning, got to do the part of the tour we didn't have time to do yesterday, the Harlem loop. Subway for breakfast. One chicken and bacon and ranch please, toasted with regular cheese ... Microwaved, f**k you Habeeb this soggy bread just ain't cricket.

Found the bus, no ponchos today in this lovely T-Shirt weather. Got off the bus at the Natural History Museum to look at a bunch of dinosaurs. Pretty cool really, didn't stick around to see too much more, tried to see the Frogs exhibition but you needed special tickets for that one, ah well. Back on the bus, this ridiculous UN convention is screwing up the traffic so it takes shit loads longer than it should.

Street vendor 'Lamb Gyro' for lunch, dropped it all over the sidewalk then moved away so i could frame someone else for it, woopsies. Bus back to the car was easy today now we figured out that Marks watch was four minutes late. Duh!

On the road again headed towards Niagra Falls, we start to look for a motel pretty early as we finding it problematic getting reasonable priced boardings. We tried a couple with no love so carried on our way for another hour or so. Ooh that place looks stink lets try here. You need a 4X4 to get up the drive, car parks accommodate big rigs i think this may be it. Success! The rooms not bad, heaps better than the last one with absolutely no gang tagging on the walls, king of the castle king in the castle I have a chair.

Now for dinner, subway is about a minute walk from the motel but I'm still emotionally scarred from my soggy breakfast, i just can't face it. Much to Marks dismay i decide that we shall not be having subway, and we need to eat somewhere else. So we asked the GPS where there was to eat around here, he pointed us in a direction and we went there. Short distance from the dive of a motel to just over the bridge, there is a whole new land of very rich people with large houses and perfactly manicured lawns. I think were going to fit in nicely here. This is a very nice area but i cant help but thinking, with all this pressure to have their lawn rows lined up, someones going to go on a murderous killing spree in the very near future. Just sayin'

Found a little Irish Pub. The cars parked outside are flash but we decide to go there anyway. "sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came" So it wasn't like that, we got a few funny looks but my ceaser salad was yum, and my vodka drink was very healthy, extra points for that bartender. Mark ordered a Hoagie and chips just for shits and giggs. The chips were ready salted regular chips, which wouldn't be so bad if we hadnt just polished off a tube of pringles. Ahhhh Maaaan.

Back at the motel and unlike the last place there's a TV remote (and it works) and every second Chanel isn't hardcore porn, be free my little retinas for you are safe now.

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Day 15 or is it im not sure. NYC still and Broadway

Up early to catch the train again for more NYC sightseeing. Find one of those annoying Ethiopian tourist vultures and buy a ticket on the open air bus. Heaps easier than getting a diploma in subway timetable deciphering. Its raining so we get one of those really attractive ponchos yusss.
Stop off back in Soho, heaps of cool shops but don't buy anything because we're tight. Get back on the bus to stop at the World Trade Center Memorial. There are fancy UN people in town this week so there's fuzz and secret service everywhere, which i might add isn't that secret considering they have secret service' written on their cars. We find where the memorial is supposed to be only to find out that if you want to actually see it, you have to book three months in advance ... riiiight.

Back on the bus to go see the Statue of Liberty we were going to take the Staten Island Ferry but the hoards of people waiting to board made us think that it was pointless as we wouldn't be able to see anything anyways. Probably better off because i get boat sick anyhow. We get back on the bus again and the lady was a bitch so i took it upon myself to take 3 more ponchos, man im badass!

Side note: Whoever told us that you get awesome service over here, is a dirty lier! So far the service industry are a bunch of wankers (with the exception of a hand full of people) and if they're not defiantly going to get money from you, they don't give a shit.

Back to my bad self and my new ponchos. Get back on the bus to go back where we started, so we can book our tickets for a show tonight. Make our way to the cheap ticket stairs area and a man is selling tickets to Wicked on the side, somethings not right about this, nah bowl were good. Book our tickets for Rock Of Ages, stoked. Three hours to do whatever, lets go find Macys see what all the fuss is about. This place is humungus, 8 storeys, sweet Jesus. Way bigger than Deka ever was.

Stopped at the M&Ms shop, same old souvenir shop deal but you can buy individual colour ones. BLACK ONES! Yip black m&ms, and every other colour invented but I'm more excited about the black ones, not too far off brown but exciting all the same.

Off to see the show. They check our bags for food and took our m&ms off us, god help is someone smuggled in some m&ms, whatever, we'll get them later. What a long day i need a drink. I get a vodka and lemonade, Mark gets a can of Budweiser $23 WTF! Luckily the show was AMAZING so I'm not as dirty on it anymore, but it still makes me sad in my pocket.

Monday, 19 September 2011

Day 14. Manhattan tour, Empire State Building

Early morning, got to catch a train to Madison Square Garden to take the tour we booked last night, it starts at 11 am and as ususal were excessivley early but its all good. We grab some breakfast and have a walk around. Whoa this place is so busy, you can't walk 20 metres without being harased to buy a seat on a diferent tour bus to what we've already booked. Gets real annoying when you're walking up and down the street a couple of times. The sewers are steaming and theres no words to describe the smell, but i guess its just something you would get used to. Pungent ... stings the nostrils.
11 oclock rolls on and the tour begins, the tour guide is really cool but im looking over at the open air busses and wishing that i was there, on acount it's such a nice day. Highlight of the tour being stopping off at Soho, holey moses check this place out! If only i had money to spend, dreams are free right. Im also strongly consiedring buying property in Tribeca ... it could happen.

Empire State Building is next. Strict security procedures see us rumaging through our bag to identify the small magnet shaped weapon of destruction we tried to smuggle in ... it was a magnet. Badass! View from up here is pretty choice, the place crowed as hell and people are all up in our grills so we dont loiter for too long.

Grabbed some dinner from a streat vendor, yum and cheap coz thats how i roll.

Straight nightmare trying to figure out which train to take home, luckly a man helped us or else wed probably still be there tearing our hair out. Back at the same motel from last night, hay its cheap. I did however just spot something on the carpet that i hope is candle wax ....

Sunday, 18 September 2011

Day13. Jersey City

Today were going to Jersey City with nothing solid on the agenda, we'll just figure it out when we get there. First things first find somewhere to stay. Hunt down the nearest Mc Donalds to use their wi-fi. No luck looking on the net so we'll just go for a drive and see. Accommodation round here is expensive. The crappiest looking place in the city is running at $130 a night, or $45 an hour, what a rip off.
New game plan, lets go to 'Carlos Bakery' in Hoboken and get a cup cake, it'd be rude not to.

Wonder what that line over there is for? Ooh there's the bakery, yip theres a little line out front but nothing we can't handle! Find a parking building $17 for 2-3 hours, god damn! This is going to be an expensive cup cake. Found what we thought was the end of the line. Behow Bheoww! That line we saw down the street before, that's the official end of the line. Estimated waiting time, 1 hour or more. Finally we're allowed to go inside the shop but its packed out and we cant see any baked goods anyway. About Half an hour later, we saw some cakes and decided that we'll just get whatever. I went and waited at the back of the shop to make more room for other people, i hear cheering and astonished gasps. Phones and cameras shoot to the sky and start going crazy. I thought it was someones birthday and they were getting a grand cake with special treatment or something, I got some peeping room and Buddy was in the shop . Pretty cool, somehow makes it all worth it, but I'm not sure if it tops my Peter Andre sighting when i was 14. I will have to consider this deeply, for future claim to fame boastings.

Take two finding somewhere to stay. Lets go to Newark it may be cheaper because its closer to the airport. Found somewhere $56 a night, it'll do. Defiantly seems like we're in the ghetto. I say this because every house we drive by, theres people siting outside on their porches. And if the 'Friday's taught me anything, its don't eat donut's at strip malls and ghetto people like to hang out on their porches. Its ok though because we have cake! We have nothing to cut it with boooooh bad form. The cake is good but not as life changing as i was expecting.

Now we're in the laundromat, about 6 miles from where we're staying to avoid getting shanked for our undies. The TVs don't speak English and the washing machine was broken so it didn't do a spin cycle, we may be here all night.

Subway for dinner then home to the whore house. We gave away the remainder of the cake we brought today, it just dawned on me that we have 70 sparklers to use, and they would have gone awesome in the cake, ahhhhh man. Sad faces!

Saturday, 17 September 2011

Day 12. Aberdeen to Seaside Heights, Jersey shore

Philadelphia Art Museum this morning. We will not be seeing any art as such, instead we will be ticking something so awesome off the bucket list (which doesn't exist, but if i had one it'd be right up there) its ridiculous.
Duh dah da da da da da dah dah dah (x3), beow beow beeeeeeow beow beow beooooow (x2) din din din din din din, dih dih dih dih dih dih diiiih dih diiiiiiiiih.

If you're not sure what I'm getting at, we will be running up the Rocky stairs! Fart around taking photos for a while then we do the stair run, i wait in the middle while mark runs so i can video it on the camera, awesome. Now its my turn with Mark videoing half way up. As I'm victoriously bounding up the stairs,much like a gazelle, I get to the flat bit and a lady interrupts my life long glory moment "have you seen Rocky" WTF can't you see I'm in the middle of something. Cheese and whiskers some people! Ah well it was still cool anyway, but I'm prrrrety sure shes going to hell for that move.

Next stop Seaside Heights, Jersey Shore. We found a place right across the road from the boardwalk, looking out the window we can see the rides. Boardwalks is pretty long and there's two mini theme parks along it. A whole bunch of T-shirt shops, food, drinks, carnival games, freakshows and a clown parade and we've only been here an hour. We took a ride on the chairlift that goes along the boardwalk, ooh theres the Shore Store! You can see the roof top that the Jersey Shore'ers hung out at, half pulled apart but its still recognisable. The house looks heaps bigger on TV. Now to find a drink the size of my head ..... I'm not sure how that's going to go but we don't have to drive anywhere, so whatever size glass it comes in, its Saturday night and PARRRRTYYYSS HEEERREEEE.

Side Note. Wear a Philadelphia, Rocky T-shirt at Jersey Shore and people will be your friend.

Friday, 16 September 2011

Day 11. Chilhowie to Washington DC to Arlington

Woke up early this morning, hope i didn't catch anything only time will tell. Heading to Washington DC today to visit me mate Abe and the War Memorials. About four hours drive, sweet.

Driving round Washington DC is insane! Police on every corner. Lucky we had a little practice in LA, i guess when i say 'we' i really mean Mark, but I'm the water boy and team morale booster, just as important if not more, so ill just go ahead and include myself. Found a park about a million miles away so we decided now would be a good time to try the subway. Getting there wasn't too bad once we figured out how to work the ticket machine.

While I'm not really into war stuff Memorial Park was cool, thoroughly enjoyed it. So many people lost, sad, but good to see everyone walking round taking it all in paying their respects and what not. On the light side, squirrels are everywhere and so damn quite. I don't like giant pretzels they taste like uncooked bread. Side note: Cheesy Poofs like off South Park although they look like twisties they taste like buttery movie popcorn, its not for me.

Now to find the subway again, i think its this way, or is it this way, i remember that shop, its defiantly this way. Actually, did i? Ahhh man were so lost. Walking round aimlessly for about 40 minutes we could have walked to the car by now! Asked a couple of people and finally someone pointed us in the right direction. Horray we found the station, that was the easy bit now we have to figure out which ones to take, i know we have to take two different ones, hrmmmm. Sorted that out and found the car, man i need a drink.

Time to find accommodation i hope its easier than last night. Went to a couple of places and they were all $120 and over, no thank you we'll find somewhere else. Rolled up to trusty Mc Donalds to use their wi-fi hopefully find somewhere cheap to stay, but no love with a weak signal. Booo. On our way out we saw a voucher book, it had hotel/motel vouchers in it so we found the cheapest one and went there. So here we are in the Arlington Travel Logde, Just got back from Applebees for dinner, but more importantly i had a giant drink Mark had a giant beer and we can finally relax.

Day 10. Memphis to Chilhowie

Made it through the night without being shot, success. Off to Graceland.
For a place where pretty much the coolest dude ever lived, the staff are pretty un-cool and grumpy. However, we're at Graceland and a bunch of douche-ie workers aren't going to bring me down today! Elvis' house was very cool, I will be taking inspiration from his place, and lining our lounge walls with green shag carpet and mirror plating the hallway as soon as we get home. Loved Graceland, i guess it doesn't hurt that he was really really ridiculously good looking. Breakfast at the diner there, it'd be rude not to have a peanut butter and banana toasted sandwich. Yum.

We were told to try 'grits' while in Memphis so we asked the waitress at breakfast where we could find some. She said we could go to 'kiss my grits' down the road so we went to find that. We found the sign but they were tearing it down. Gutted, ah well it sounded gross anyways.

Now Marks driving and i sit here contemplating the universe. At the shallow end of the universe pool. USA GPS is way more high strung and bipolar than NZ GPS. Like one of those annoying people who thinks they're better than you, but really they're just a receptionist, barking orders like you're a retard. NZ GPS is calm and collected makes for a stress free driving environment. As i sit here I'm also marveling in my own Disc Jockey skills. They've come a long way since i was in primary school, staying up way past my bed time to listen to the top 10 with my finger on the record button only to be disappointed that the number one song is the same as last night. Better make sure I'm not taping over the Backstreet Boys, now that would be a tragedy. Blindspott hour is in full swing as we have a couple more hours of driving to go today. Trying to stay on top of my sanity, ADD is kicking in, song changes getting more erratic, singing getting louder, don't think Mark will be able to handle it for much longer...

People round here seem to be a lot nicer to me than they are to Mark, so i think ill do all the talking from now on.

9.30 lets find a room. Oh but its not 9.30 is it, in the time warp its 10.30. Tried about 15 different places in about 4 separate town areas, all being hideously overpriced or sold out. One of them required us to have proof of our NZ address WTF! Drive an extra couple of hours, ooh theres a stink place lets try there, it is midnight after all. Chilhowie lets see what you have to offer. Another rude receptionist. Step in the room it reeks of musty curried BO, and im pretty sure you can hire rooms by the hour here, i come to this conclusion after seeing the well used condom machine in the lobbys lobby .... will check bed and other surfaces for residual bodily fluids, think i just spewed a little.

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Day9. Driving from Dallas to West Memphis BREAKYO'SELF FOOL

Gear up, for not much happening this is a long one!

Up early again for another long day driving, not nearly as long as yesterday but still a respectable 700 ks. Mark's hearing noises from the tyres so we find the National Alamo Car rentals in Dallas. We can either swap the car, or go get a tyre from firestone. After an intense start to the car/human relationship we've grown quite fond of our new friend, so we take the second option. Found the firestone and the car needs 4 new tyres, thanks National Alamo for our death mobile. Ok maybe a bit dramatic. Waiting for the tyre change Mark inquires about the rifle ranges close by. Every ones really friendly, then one of the staff members comes over and proceeds to show us on his phone, his arsenal of weapons. Note to self, don't f*ck with that guy.

Went to the Gun Range as if we had, 'Break Yo'self Fool' tattoed on our foreheads the man takes us over to their extensive gun selection. We pick a small hand gun .22 cal 45 replica, because I'm a big girls blouse and haven't shot anything before. We get to pick what we shoot at, target men or zombies. What kind of question is that, easy ZOMBIES. He gives us a short demo in the shop then points us in the right direction. From what i have seen on TV, i was lead to believe that the newbs in the rifle range had an intense military style drill Sergeant all up in their grill, to make sure we wernt recklessly unsafe. Nope, gave us the gun and let us run riot, yuss. Finished off 100 rounds pretty quickly, lets try something else. Another hand gun, why not. I can handle it, i have sparklers don't you know. Well take the 9mm please. 50 rounds went pretty fast. Decided not to go to bigger rifles because the amo is expensive. All in all very very cool.

Red and Blue flashing lights behind us, ahhhh man what did we do wrong? 'You were speeding but I'm only going to give you a warning'. Yussss. 'So you can just go ahead and come with me to the car' I HAVE FIREWORKS! he he that didn't happen but it would have been funny.

Stoped in 'Hope' for some breakfast (4pm) theres alot of coloured people here. Ooh we need petrol, here looks good. 'Crackerbox' jeez i know I'm white but there's no need to be mean about it. If you're gonna call me a cracker I'm gonna act like one, so i brought a 24 ounce Bacardi mojito and a 24 ounce budweiser, for a grand total of $3.99.

Been driving too long lets find somewhere to stay. Super 8 hasn't done us wrong yet so we put it in the GPS and bingo, only down the road, success. Go into reception, i think we just interrupted her committing suicide because shes just foul. Theres a large toothless woman in the reception area talking on her cellphone really loudly, conversation along the lines of 'i need to get him outta my life' something something 'if i see him again I'm fixin on killing him' ummm is it too late to change hotels. Theres a diner in walking distance so we go there for dinner. Can anyone say holes in the ponga fence? Lets check where we actually are, 901 Martin Luther King  .... ohhhhhh.

Side note: Tootsie Rolls taste like brown crayons.

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

Day 8. Driving to Dallas ... almost

Im trapped in a metal case of EMOOOTION! We've been driving 13 hours and there's about 2 and a half to go. Upon this realisation i have decided to write this in the car instead of later so updates will be in real time, exciting? I know!

Woke up early for our big drive on the road at 6.30 am, not too hot yet. So not alot happened today really. Got my aux cable Woo Hoo and so begins 'songs we haven't heard in ages hour' quickly followed by 'top 25 most played' it sounds boring but its my life, I'm just gonna go ahead and put my shirt on if you don't mind. Watch out for the guns, they'll get ya.

FIREWORKS Yussss! Stoped in at the fireworks shop in New Mexico. I'm browsing the selection the man comes over and rattles off about 50 different qualities any given firework could have big boom, rockets, ground ones, nail to the fence ones and so on "what are ya looking for?" (me) "Ummm sparklers?" jesus I'm lame ha ha. We got more than sparklers so don't you judge me.

About the 3rd petrol stop today Mark went in and a hillbilly asked him where he got his accent from, Mark said New Zealand to which the hillbilly replied "New Zealand? That's Hardcore" Why yes hillbilly, it is hardcore, we got sparklers you know.

So now were driving and i not long ago made a hideous DJ error, one of which I'm not proud of but i accidentally played 'Gonna Fly Now' 3 hours early. For those who don't know it, its the Rocky song reserved for very special occasions. ie Arriving at a destination after driving for 14 hours. Woopsies. And yes for all you haters that was my only error, the rest of the days music was top notch as usual.

Ah well, best be off typing and passangering is making me feel sick, lucky we haven't had shit to eat today aye, cant wait to have ribs in Dallas. Hope a rib shop is open at 11.00 pm ..... SURELY

Well didn't make into the heart of Dallas, we figured we should find a room while they are on the side of the road and easy to find. Arlington Super 8, you will do just fine for now. So Help me jeabus we are having RIBS FOR BREAKFAST!

Monday, 12 September 2011

Day 7: Driving toTuscon AZ

Day 7: Drive from Buena Park, LA to Tuscon, Arizona.

Early wake up need to change the rental cars over again. Drop off old car, take bus to new car. Narrowly avoid having to spend the rest of our holiday in a Chevy, i think the model was 'superugly' but i could be wrong. Pssssh free upgrade, well take the ford focus please.

Driving, driving, driving, Mc Donalds, driving, driving, stop to play cactus, driving, driving, find place to stay. Easy. Dinner at Dennys don't really feel like it, but its just over there. Really hot today!

Marks mastered the driving and I'm working on my diploma in loafing, and cloud likeness identification. Both fields i'm already quite proficient in, but practice does make perfect. Hopefully find an aux cable tomorrow so i can work on my masters in DJ ing.

Train tracks are real close, do they have to toot right outside our room. Funny knocking noise coming from the roof, hrmmmm hope its not ghosts or illegal aliens hiding out from the fuzz :)

Sunday, 11 September 2011

Day 3: Universal Studios

Turning back time, this blog got lost but is now found!

Woke up this morning at a respectable 8am. Decided that we were going to go to Universal Studios but we needed to jack up a new hire car first. Sorted that out then we made our way there … Slowly.

Jiminy crickets it’s another scorcher of a day, yesterday it was 103 whatever that is in Celsius who knows, scholars maintain the translation was lost many years ago, but I think it means as hot as a whales vagina. Whoa that was a whole separate tangent. It was hotter today, anyway!

Our Universal Studios day was awesome and for the slow season, on a weekday we still had to wait in lines. Would hate to think of what it’s like in the weekends. God damn its frigin hot, lucky most of the rides spontaneously squirt you, and there are misters everywhere. Considering an occupation change, my new profession will be taking Universal Studios tours, talking shit all day seems right up my alley.

Days highlight, the water world show. The show was the best but even better I got to use  the most hilarious  joke I’ve been waiting a long time to use, satisfaction! Low light, missing out on Ray Jay live and free because we had to do washing. He he you didn’t think I was serious did you? G Unit would have been cool though.

Were at the Laundromat now its $4 a load, it only takes quarters and we only have a twenty dollar note. Woo Hoo a money changing machine, $20 worth of quarters … epic fail. Also I wish these loud mofos would shut the hell up its not conducive for a healthy washing environment. I may be forced to shank one of these kids, hope they brought their phone book stab vests. Over and out caaandycorrrn!

Day 6: LA County Fair, Malibu, Downtown LA

Ok lets try again GPS, please take us to McKinley ave POMONA did you get that? Not McKinley ave COMPTON. Great success! LA County Fair, mother of god this place is huge, big enough to need a shuttle to get from the carpark to the fair. Earlybird entry just $2, yusss. Margurita stands on every corner, i just might like this place. Now if you're looking for gigantic turkey leg snacks you've come to the right place,we'll take one. I do realise the other day i said gross but after careful consideration i decided it'd be rude not to. Not bad, but they have weird bone thingies all over the show. Oooh a parade, and they're chucking out beads, im not leaving till i get one! I got one. A whole margurita shaker and a churos (is that how you spell it, who knows) later we make our way to the car.

Its a beautiful hot sunny day and we aint got shit to do, lets go to Malibu! The date today is September 11th, the 10 year anniversary incase ya'll didnt know. We came across a tribute in the form of about a million american flags, looked pretty cool and we even found the NZ one in there.

Malibu beach is nice but Zuma beach is better, had a play there then decided we should go to Downtown LA. Did a lady say something about ... I dont remember, i need to go toilet so lets just go there and find some facilities. Soo Downtown LA is just plain creepy, looks like everything for sale fell off the back of a truck, and it smells like weez. Pungent, stings the nostrils. I would prefer it if i didnt get a cap poped in my ass, oooh look theres a cholo and a large black womans breasts, maybe we should leave now. Oh thats right the lady said don't go Downtown LA, because only working girls hang out there, now we remember.

Havent eaten since the dinasaur leg and i am about to die of malnurishment, we go to the 'Outback Steakhouse' for dinner. Australian crap all over the walls, meh. Food was nice, but, i was ready to eat my own ass so this may not be a reliable review.

Now were at the laundormat. Heaps nicer than the one we went to the other day, people even speak a bit of english here.

Droping off rental car tomorow morning to pick up a new rental car, so we can say adios Buena Park and hello the road...

Saturday, 10 September 2011

Day 5: Fart around and what not.

Todays plsan is to find a skate shop and purchase skates, easy .....

We havent been to Long Beach yet so well find the skate shop closest to there. Moxi Rollerskates woo hoo its got leopard print skates in the window, i think i'll like this place, doesnt open till 12 ahhh maaan.

Off to the beach, cool beach nowhere near cool as Venice beach but a sweet beach all the same. Johnny Rockets for BrUnch becasue turns out that Mark is a certified alien and just doesnt like eating three meals a day, is this holiday or fat camp, im begining to wonder.

Back to the skate shop and they dont have anything in stock BOOO Moxi Rollerskates Boo! So we made our way to the other shop that we found, LA Skates way the hell over there. No luck, sad faces.

I'v been hearing on the raido about the LA county fair and i really want to go, sheep, cows goats never seen them before he he, i still wana go tho. So we decide to go. We put in the GPS where we want to go, theyll tell us how, and we'll just drive, easy! 45 minutes later we 'arrived at our destination' ummm this doesnt look like a county fair. GPS had its funny undies on and sent us to Compton instead. Police cars everyhwere, didnt see any big bald black men on rusted bikes with a glock sticking out their pants , dumb.

No county fair today so we went to Walmart instead. Im not sure what the big deal is, its better than the warehouse. Or maybe we just went to flash ones? Half a burger and chips for dinner, relax. 

Friday, 9 September 2011

Day 4 - Disneyland

What to wear what to wear. Im dressing for Disneyland this morning. I've only been waiting ohhh say, my whole life to come here, what does one wear. I only have black everything and im gona look like a molestor at Disneyland, maaaan. Ah well black on black it is. One Major hoisery malfunction later, were ready to leave. Side note, i wasnt the only blacked out deviant there so it was all good.

Took first expensive hire car back to switch to a cheaper company. Waited at hotel for '15 minutes' ... Turns out 15 minutes NZ time, is actually an hour American time, go figure. Dont you people know were going to DISNEYLAND today! Sheesh put some pep in it would ya Ivan.

Made our way to Disneyland, another super hot day. What a busy place! Pretty cool day Mark got soaked through on the water ride, makes me larf. Was hot so we went to get an ice cream ... thats not ice cream .... Turkey legs?? No thanks, what a wacked out snack!

Fudruckers for dinner, family friendly place. Not so much ear drum friendly and im deaf! Yummy food tho and i can appreciate dispensing my own condiments and burger fillings. Peace out essay.

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Wana see some Michael Jackson Dance Moves Chardonnnay

Day 2. Hollywood, Hollywood hills tiki tour, Rodeo Drive, Mideval Times.

Man this is a humungus place. Lets just have some breakfast in Hollywood aye? Yea thats a good idea. Arrive at 12.15, lucky i wasnt hungry at 8 when i woke up ......

Walked around the walk of fame, busted out about the best moonwalk iv ever seen, by Michael Jacksons star and an EVEN better slow mo run by The Hoffs star. SUCCESS!

Rodeo Drive nothing too exciting, a bunch of shops poor people are too intimidated to go in. And not even a rodeo no cowboys or anything ha ha ha man i crack me up.

Traffic jam packed drive back to the hotel, god damn im starving. If 'Next Friday' and its 'holey moley dount shop' hadnt runied dounts for me i coulda had mysugar for the day but no, im about to fall asleep, need sugar stat!

Mideval Times for dinner, woooo its only been 7 hours since we ate. Man what an awesome place, horsies, birdies, dudes who are the apitimy of what any wella woman strives to achieve. Not a knife or fork in sight we eat half a chicken with our manly bare hands ..... just like at home. Our guy had some mad tiger blood and won the tournament, which makes me feel like a total bi winner hehe.

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Day 1 Venice Beach & Hollywood Sign

Swet jesus what an awesome day!

We woke up late after a reduculous long day traveling. Decided we should hire a car, jose would be over in a short while .... an hour and 20 odd minutes he showed up woo hoo. Rotorua short while and LA short whiles are quite diferent. We were hoping for a car like off pimp my ride, but before it got pimped. Hello honda accord, ah well.

After a scary wee drive we found venice beach. Spent a couple of hours walking up an down the beach, had a play on 'muscle beach' stuff, went on the roundie wheel thingy and i went on the roller coaster by my louf he he. Hired some sweet beach cruiser bikes and took them for a burn. At whichpoint we got to see our first too legit to quit crazy! He musta been a real tuff fulla because he tipped over shelves AND a outdoor table umbrella setting, choice bro.

After  thar we decided to stroll where we hadnt gone yet where some coloured folk of the male persuasion bailed poor mark up to buy their gangsta rapper cd. The nice kiwi folk we are didnt wana snob them so we stoped. Come the coloured folk swarm, i then realised what was going on and put my bitch undies on, coz they cant very well be mean to a girl now can they .... nope pheeew.

Back to the car we decided to put on our new cd and rock out on our drive to go see the hollywood sign. Stopped in at 'High voltage tattoo' the whole kat von D buzz but nothing exciting there. Sweaty walk up behind the sign god damn its still hot az at 8 pm. Spectacular!

Tuesday, 1 March 2011

My thoughts on Black Swan

So i went to see Black Swan last night. Not a bad movie, hovever maybe a little more lesbian action than i have grown accustomed to. I was expecting it to be an ass load more awesome than it was. I wouldnt go so far as to say it was a 'thriller', while it was weird and there were shocking-ish parts to it, all in all a bit meh.

I can say with confidence, that I would watch Natalie Portmans akward awards laugh on a loop for 108 miuntes, before i shelled out a small fortune on severley under flavoured popcorn, and astronomically priced maltesers again. I hereby pronounce you 'Black Swan' to be a rainy day DVD

Movie company however was stellar, and like my good friend said, now we know what the storyline to Swan Lake is, so not a complete fail :)

Monday, 28 February 2011

So not an ugly scarf buyer!

Hello first blog of my life, isnt this exciting!

Eating breakfast this morning, watching Breakfast ... try and keep up. Has anyone noticed the scarf  Corin has begun to rock on the regular? Well i have, and i have been for the last couple of mornings.Keeping in mind i am no fashionista, but what the hell he hiding under this tartain piece of material huh. If you ask me its all a bit strange. Is it really that cold, it is summer after all, no one else is wearing one, but this is besides the point.

Before i lannch i will just say. I have nothing against scarves themselves, i do however have a large problem with Corin wearing one.

I voice my concerns to Mark about the scarf situation and he procedes conjure up a fairytale story about the origins of his ever annyoing neck wear. 'His wife probably brought it for him and made him wear it, thats something you would do' Ummmmmm excuse me?

Well now i have no choice but to buy him an ugly scarf, and issue unrelenting smacked bottoms for any anti-scarf voilations.