Friday, 30 September 2011

Day 26. Moab to the Grand Canyon

No sleep again last night. This must be the most uncomfortable bed in the history of creation, i mean, i fall asleep at the movies for Christ sakes. Maybe, just maybe, the anticipation of getting our laundry on tomorrow morning, is just too much excitement for me, we'll never know. Were both tired so we sluggishly pack our gear and hit the road en route to the laundromat.
So here we are at the laundromat, the guy is super nice $1.50 to wash and 75 cents to dry, if that's not a bargain i don't know what is! So anyway we're hanging out marks reading a National Geographic and I'm putting the photos from the memory cards onto the computer, but where's the small camera? Well I didn't see it this morning ... or did i? Mark didn't see it this morning ... or did he? We tear the car apart with no love. Mark goes back to the log hut to see if we left it on the bed, but they've already cleared the room and said they didn't find it ... or did they? If I didn't see it, and Mark didn't see it, it had to be the hostel man *insert suspense music here* Turns out it was wedged in the side compartment in the car, woopsies. Crisis averted, back to the washing.

On the road again we plan to stay a a weeny bit shy of the Grand Canyon, but that doesn't happen, the town we planned to stay in doesn't have accommodation so we carry on. We make it to the Canyon, it really is quite Grand. I was expecting an angel band to float down from the sky when I first laid eyes on this enormous hole in the ground, but sadly that didn't happen. This is an extreme tourist destination so there's Asians all up in our grills and the toilets are hideous. But what a stunning place. There's a lot of view stops along the canyon rim so we stop a couple of times for photos, stalking pumas, deer and general farting around. There are tree fires along a decent section of the road, so smoke everywhere. We met a guy that was moving from New York to Las Vegas. We invited ourselves to stay at his house tomorrow night (i think he thought we were joking) but he hasn't got a place yet, he did say we could stay in his tent though. With weekend accommodation triple the price in Las Vegas we just might have to take him up on his offer.

Now's about the time of the day when we need to find somewhere to stay, woop ee. Everywhere we see looks expensive. I can tell this by my handy 2 second scan, Porter trolleys = expensive, Statues of wild animals out front = expensive, Self opening doors = expensive, staff have waistcoats on = Forged-abowt-it! A couple of call-ins confirms my economic predictions, so we carry on. Found a Super8 in Williams, no communal showers and toilets for us today, high rollers!

Thursday, 29 September 2011

Day 25. Moab Still

Raft trip this morning, looking forward to just relaxing, on account of I am sore every single where. We had a stink sleep last night, which is so far off from the all time worlds best sleep,I had predicted for last night.
Head to the raft headquarters for our half day Colorado river trip. We're with a bunch of oldies but its all good, we're looking for a mellow day anyways.

Today is cheesy matching tourist day, Horray! I was hoping to celebrate this special day by wearing matching American flag shirts, but we haven't seen any and even if we did I'm pretty sure we wouldn't want to pay for them. If it has to be American flag bandanas, then so be it. We're going to rock matching bandanas so hard, Brett Michael's hair extensions will be jealous.

On the bus ride out to the raft put in point, the guide points out a little spring, flowing fresh drinkable water. Well this is information that could have come in handy YESTERDAY! Because this beautiful spring, right on the side of the road, was at the exact point where we almost gave up on life, just yesterday afternoon. Anyway the raft trip was cool, the exact opposite of 'The River Wild' super calm, teeny weeny little rapids, a few splashes here and there but nothing life threatening. Cool guides with heaps of information and some of the funniest, hilarious only because they're lame, jokes I've heard in a long time.

Back to the hut to get out of the scorching sun for a while then off to do some sight seeing. You could spend months here and still not see half of it, but for now we're just going to look at some big rocks. Everywhere you look there's something awesome to see, god damn theres a lot of rocks here. Rocks and dust, sounds boring yes, surprisingly not that boring.

I've seen a billboard advertising 18 ounce Margaritas, so tonight, we hunt this place down. I say hunt it down, but its not that hard. There aren't many streets here in Moab, but I'll just throw it in there to make it sound intense. Found it, yussss. Had some dinner and a couple of drinks, they don't have pudding so we are directed to a cup cake shop just down the road. These cup cakes are freaking delicious. I would say that they are better than the 'Carlos Bakery' ones, and then I would even go so far as to say they were better than the Disneyland one. I was pretty confident at the time, that i had hit my cup cake, life time high, and it was only down from there. How wrong was I, and for that I am glad.

Wednesday, 28 September 2011

Day 24. Ride Moab

Up early this morning, we have a big ride today so we're running premium breakfast fuel. Mc Donalds. But we do get the yoghurt and cereal so you can stop judging us.

Make our way to the bike shop to pick up our bikes for the day and catch the shuttle. Hoo-freakin-ray the slag from yesterday is our staff member for the morning. She takes us out to the bikes and gives us the spiel. 'In your saddle bag there are tyre leavers, these are used to get the bead off the rim' oh shit, lucky you told us that, not like Marks' been riding for 20 odd years. But i guess its standard practice. Not sure if its standard to tell people that the pro pedal locks out the back shock completely, so you must never turn the switch ... She goes on to tell Mark that he's the first rider of a brand spanker and if it comes back with a dent/scratch we will be charged accordingly. Because god help if a mountain bike ever got a scratch on it. But Its OK he'll bead the breaks in for you, you're welcome. Way to ruin our ride before we even left the shop lady.

Shuttle ride takes a bit over an hour, way the hell over there. The other guys in the shuttle are asking the driver what the track is like, he's pretty much saying on a difficulty scale he would give it a 9 out of 10. Aww crap, it will be alright I'll just have to handle.

Its a scorcher of a day, 36 degrees in fact. No shade anywhere, Mark is the pack man carrying a ridiculous heavy bag. Starts off cool, took a bit of getting used to riding on the rocks but its all good. Had a few scenic picture and drink stops. The heat is getting a bit much for me and my bike is THE loudest heap. Creaky pedals and out of line derailier make the chain go all over the show (i have a silent bike at home, because i have the best bike mechanic) this noise is splendid when you're spending 5 hours pretty much riding down steps. I'm getting angry. Near the end of the ride there's a lot of un rideable rock drops, this shit is exhausting. Mark hasn't had much water because hes been making sure theres enough for me. He's very dehydrated and not a happy camper. Finish up at the Colorado river, just a wee 5 mile road ride home, hope we make it. Got back had a sit down and drowned our sorrows in a giant powerade.

Back at the log cabin again tonight. Had lunch/dinner at the pub, very nice. Booked ourselves a half day raft trip for tomorrow. Hope its nothing like the river wild he he

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Day 23. Coloradoto Moab

I was tired last night, didn't put really any love into what i was writing so i will add on some small extras, more for personal record than for your entertainment. I do realise the soap is all very boring to you. So bear with me.
Last nights motel: First to have complimentary muesli on our pillows on arrival (in packets, not just randomly sprinkled, in case you were wondering). First motel with complimentary toothpaste, which I will have you know cleans plaque 5x better than regular toothpaste paste, how about that!

Every petrol station we go into I've been seeing these giant 20 ounce cans of vodka pre mixes. I've been wanting one since the first day we saw them, mainly because they are 12%ers, tonight is the night! I'm sure it's going to taste like crap, but there's pretty pictures on them so I'm compelled. Yip it tastes like crap, ah well i tried.

Today: On our way to Moab, just a short 4 hour drive. Stoped at the pretty lake to have a play, Mark skimmed some rocks, I biffed some in the same general direction. Restroom stop at the petrol station we decide to grab a hot dog just to eat while were driving. I wonder why she put cutlery in the bag? Oooh so when i asked for a hot dog, it really meant a sausage with lasagna on top drowning a bun. Good to know.

Came into Moab found the bike shop 'poison spider' Mark saw in the Internet, sorted ourselves out some bikes for tomorrow. We're still in the throws of booking our shuttle up a giant hill, for a 24 mile ride. Real time update: Sorted that out with the help of Chris, he was a super cool dude. The lady .... what a slag.

We're staying in #10 log cabin at the hostel tonight. First place to have, wait for it, DOUBLE BUNK BEDS, oh yes my friends bunk beds. They match up perfectly, so much room to do activities. Also Pantene haircare, it just keeps getting better. No TV so we brought some magazines for entertainment. My 'Special Double Feature' People Magazine is highly disappointing with a single story on Toddlers and Tiaras the other 100 odd pages filled up with pictures and 'you should get botox', but if you do here's 10 pages of side affects you can get. Its a double feature for pete sakes, you would think that there would be at least two stories wouldn't you. Booo!

As I'm writing this in our little log cabin, Marks' outside having a very painful sounding conversation with a man from Switzerland. He cant understand a word Mark says. I just witnessed a legit, 3x repeater. Rotorua, huh, Ro-to-rua, huh, Rooh-tooh-rhua. Im just going to hide here i think. Hes gonna be maaad at me ha ha.

Went out again to sort shit out, stoped in at the pub on the way home. Tipsy off two wines what a champ. Mentally prepare ourselves up for a sore bum tomorrow (I'm talking about the bike ride sickos!)

Monday, 26 September 2011

Day 22. Cheyenne to Gunnison, Colarado

I forgot to say yesterday that we went to see Mt Rushmore. Pretty cool for just a big rock with faces on it. I may need to seek professional medical help when we get home because im having issues with droping anything that will fit, down the side of the seat never to be found again, including the money we needed for a toll road woopsies he he

Today were on our way to Crested Butte hopefully do a bit of mountain biking. Colarado is very pretty, a lovley scenic drive. Not too much going on at Crested Butte, the information centre didnt even have any trail maps and the lifts arent going, so were a bit unfit to be sloging our asses up that giant hill. We're going to wait till we get to Moab for the biking. But damn this place is pretty i bet it goes off in winter!

Drive back to Gunnison, foud somewhere to stay and now were just relaxing which is nice. Mark is geting sick so im sure that means im next booooo!

Sunday, 25 September 2011

Day 21. South Dakota to Cheyenne, Wyoming

For a change today we thought we would just drive all day, havent done that yet. We are on our way to Crested Bute (i dont know how to spell it, it's late) to do a we bit of mountain biking.
The billboard said we could see and feed some Prearie Dogs at the next exit. Sounds like a plan billboard. We pulled up to the shop that claimed we could do this. There's a feild right infront of where we parked and theres heaps of them, just kickn it maxin, relaxin eating some grass. Man alive these things are so freakin cute its rediculous! I wonder what they taste like? ... I was just checking if you were still awake. I dont want to eat one, they are very small he he.

Every billboard we pass is going on about something called 'Wall Drug'. Is it a Shop? A place? Some type of sandwich? Do we need to buy a pipe? A element and spoons? I have no idea why, but i'm sure we will spontaneously combust if we don't go there. Suckered in by the 500 billboards, not surprising.

Turns out 'Wall' was the name of the little country town and I have no idea where the drug part comes  into it, but we had ourselves a casual stroll anyways. A lady accidentally (i think) punched Mark while turning round, didn't even say sorry. I tried on a western shirt but decided against purchase, although it made me feel as flash as Michael Jackson, reastically I would never wear it.

On our way over to New York they kept taking hours away from us, but yesterday and today we got a couple back, not overly exciting it just means we were driving longer.

Decided we would stay in Cheyenne. Found a Motel6 then went to the Ausie Steakhouse for dinner. Marks steak attempt number two, success! Now for sleep so we can do it all again tomorow.

Saturday, 24 September 2011

Day 20. Driving from wherever we were to South Dakota

Ooh this is a first, we're able to take advantage of the advertised 'free breakfast' because the food looks half way decent, who would have thunk it. Its good too because now, we can spend the money that we would have spent on breakfast, on lollies and Red bull yussss! We haven't tried a 'Moon Pie' yet so we give that a go. Mark picks the banana flavour and man it reeks. It's really quite disgusting. It crumbled all over the show, all in all an inconvenient driving snack. I'm still not exactly sure what it is, the smell barrier only allowed for a small taste. I give it a disappointing 0 out of 5 stars.
Broken record alert: Another long day driving, headed in the direction or Mt Rushmore. Yeah yeah, it is just a couple of dudes faces on the side of a hill, but i still want to see it. Its going to be a long day so i'll put in a couple of hours on my 'super top secret driving project'. Which by the way, has no purpose but to keep my simple mind entertained on these long legs of the journey. I'm still not going to tell you about it though.

Should we stop in Sparta? What kind of a question is that, it's our duty to stop in Sparta. Not only shall we stop in Sparta, we shall recreate a scene from 300. It'd be rude not to.

Driving through Amish land we see a guy riding his horse drawn cart. He waves at us and i take a photo of him. All the while singing to myself "hitching up the buggy, churning lots of butter, raise the barn on Monday soon I'll raise another" this is a snippet from Amish Paradise for those who aren't familiar with Weird Als' parody of 'Gangsta Paradise' i know what i mean.

Then really we just did a whole bunch of driving. Had a couple of rest stops, now were at the motel. Which is just lovely, it doesn't look like much from the outside BUT this is in fact the first motel with a fake flower arrangement on the table and a plant on the rack over there. How about that!

Now to find something for dinner. We saw some places just down the road, we'll check them out. 'Family friendly' splendid, sounds positively wholesome. Table for two please. Waiting for our dinner we stop to take in our surroundings. Seems like everybody here is shall we say, old as fook. Surely we didn't just unknowingly walk into a rest home. Or did we? I got my meal accompanying salad early so i go to work. The lettuce looks old and gross so I'm just going to eat the croutons. I'm not an animal, so I'm going to eat them with my fork. Mid crouton stab, a piece flies off and shoots directly in my eyeball, fan freaking tastic, how am i going to explain this to the ambulance. Mark ordered a steak, with no sharp corners so i should be safe for the rest if the meal. Or is it a steak? Seeems like this is just a flat sausage in breadcrumbs. We were joking just before the food came out, that the food is probably pre chewed, doesn't seem so funny now. I see there's pumpkin pie on the desert menu, i doubt I'll like it but I've never had it before, might as well make the whole meal a write off. Not spew worthy but i wouldn't have it again. Marks was nice so hopefully that makes up for his pre chewed sausage meal. We were gathering ourselves and preparing to leave one of the 'residents' came over to tell me that she loved my Vegas tattoo, rock on old lady :)

Friday, 23 September 2011

Day 18. Driving from Canada to Wherever

Breakfast in Canada this morning, we don't have any Canadian money but we do have a Visa card so we'll be sweet .... pause ..... not! We don't take visa but we do take MasterCard, woopie. They take American money luckily but we only have a $100 note. 90 Canadian dollars, what a pain in the ass.
On the road again for another long drive, I'm watching the GPS ... two minutes since i last checked, maaaaaan. Have to cross back to the USA today, that took a very long time. I thought the time was going slow before GPS just slapped an extra hour on, brilliant.

So there's not a lot going on really, that's why I'm writing this in the car again. I feel like I'm over the last Subway trauma, so we'll just jump right back on that horse and have it for lunch. This was a good experience, my will to live and faith in sandwich artists has been restored, only just.

For those who were wondering the soap didn't smell like a camel last night, so that's good. Also, there was soap and get this ... a body wash sachet. Soap in liquid form, ged-oudda here! Inspired by my liquid soap experience I decided that we could splash out on body wash so i can sleep at night, without having to worry about, whether or not the next soap is going to be acceptable for my nostrils. Just a little insight there, because that's about it at the moment.

I have been on the search for a new pair of shoes. As some of you know i only have one pair of non sports related shoes, they're almost dead. Anyway we've looked I'm about a million shops but nothing. This may be because the pair in my brain doesn't exist. I'm not even sure what I want, but I have a feeling that they look exactly like my snowboard boots, but in shoe form. So there ya go, exciting huh. Bet you're glad you read this today.

I've just used up the entire camera battery working on a super top secret driving project. One of which I shall not divulge any details as previously mentioned, it is in fact .... super top secret. Just thought i'd put it out there.

Staying at the Super 8 in Harmony, Illinois. We think, were not even sure if that's a place. First room with a fridge, and a coffee pot! Using the motel washing facilities, golden. Moving on up folks.

Thursday, 22 September 2011

Day 16: Scott, Pensylvania to Canadia Eh

Going to see Niagra Falls today, just a short 4 and a half hour drive.
Mc Donalds for a 'Sausage and Egg Biscuit' I know sounds it sounds gross BUT this could be the best Mc Donalds food ever. With the 'Mc Griddle' which is a whole separate can of worms following close behind. So its like a sausage and egg Mc Muffin but instead of the muffin its a freakin scone, but better! Anyway

I find myself here, in the passenger seat for another long water boy shift, dispensing high quality H2O and soothing Marks eardrums with my angelic vocals. There's not a lot going on really .... I wonder what the soap at the next Motel is going to smell like? Last nights soap smelled like a camel, i hope its better tonight. Will the next motel have 'Special Rates', squealy feeling carpet, cigarette burns all over the bath or a designated area for your wall unit? So many magical mysteries, and yes that last bit is off Saturday Night Live.

GPS decided that we should see Niagra Falls from the Canada side and who are we to argue with technology. We made it through the border and after a couple of wrong turns we found the falls. Lucky too because they're soo small you could easily drive right on past them ..... he he. Spectacular to say the least. We went down under the falls that was pretty cool and whaddya know, another stylish poncho.

Lunch at the first place we came across 'Margueritaville', guess I can deal with that. Baby back ribs to share, yum but expensive. So if we don't eat for the next couple of days we'll be sweet.

Stoped in at a Motel to see what the prices over here are like, $50 for the night, yip that'll do. The room is nice with 2x Double beds yusssss! This also marks the first motel that:

a) Has a light on the ceiling (I know exciting right) only one but still better than a lamp

b) Doesn't have a hideous loud fan that comes on when we turn on the bathroom light.

c) Has a cot

Things are looking up kid. Now for the soap ......

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Day 16. NYC to Scott, Pensylvania

It was very late last night when i wrote my 'Diary' if you must, i forgot to mention that on the bus home we saw a lady with the funkiest beard (and i don't mean funky in a good way) I know I say this a lot, but it actually looked like pubes on her chin and Mark will back me up on that one. Come on man, you have a blue tooth connected to your ear. You care enough to not give yourself brain cancer but you can't invest in a little landscaping ON YOUR FACE I don't even know man. I'm sure she has a great personality tho.
Another bus to catch into NYC this morning, got to do the part of the tour we didn't have time to do yesterday, the Harlem loop. Subway for breakfast. One chicken and bacon and ranch please, toasted with regular cheese ... Microwaved, f**k you Habeeb this soggy bread just ain't cricket.

Found the bus, no ponchos today in this lovely T-Shirt weather. Got off the bus at the Natural History Museum to look at a bunch of dinosaurs. Pretty cool really, didn't stick around to see too much more, tried to see the Frogs exhibition but you needed special tickets for that one, ah well. Back on the bus, this ridiculous UN convention is screwing up the traffic so it takes shit loads longer than it should.

Street vendor 'Lamb Gyro' for lunch, dropped it all over the sidewalk then moved away so i could frame someone else for it, woopsies. Bus back to the car was easy today now we figured out that Marks watch was four minutes late. Duh!

On the road again headed towards Niagra Falls, we start to look for a motel pretty early as we finding it problematic getting reasonable priced boardings. We tried a couple with no love so carried on our way for another hour or so. Ooh that place looks stink lets try here. You need a 4X4 to get up the drive, car parks accommodate big rigs i think this may be it. Success! The rooms not bad, heaps better than the last one with absolutely no gang tagging on the walls, king of the castle king in the castle I have a chair.

Now for dinner, subway is about a minute walk from the motel but I'm still emotionally scarred from my soggy breakfast, i just can't face it. Much to Marks dismay i decide that we shall not be having subway, and we need to eat somewhere else. So we asked the GPS where there was to eat around here, he pointed us in a direction and we went there. Short distance from the dive of a motel to just over the bridge, there is a whole new land of very rich people with large houses and perfactly manicured lawns. I think were going to fit in nicely here. This is a very nice area but i cant help but thinking, with all this pressure to have their lawn rows lined up, someones going to go on a murderous killing spree in the very near future. Just sayin'

Found a little Irish Pub. The cars parked outside are flash but we decide to go there anyway. "sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came" So it wasn't like that, we got a few funny looks but my ceaser salad was yum, and my vodka drink was very healthy, extra points for that bartender. Mark ordered a Hoagie and chips just for shits and giggs. The chips were ready salted regular chips, which wouldn't be so bad if we hadnt just polished off a tube of pringles. Ahhhh Maaaan.

Back at the motel and unlike the last place there's a TV remote (and it works) and every second Chanel isn't hardcore porn, be free my little retinas for you are safe now.

Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Day 15 or is it im not sure. NYC still and Broadway

Up early to catch the train again for more NYC sightseeing. Find one of those annoying Ethiopian tourist vultures and buy a ticket on the open air bus. Heaps easier than getting a diploma in subway timetable deciphering. Its raining so we get one of those really attractive ponchos yusss.
Stop off back in Soho, heaps of cool shops but don't buy anything because we're tight. Get back on the bus to stop at the World Trade Center Memorial. There are fancy UN people in town this week so there's fuzz and secret service everywhere, which i might add isn't that secret considering they have secret service' written on their cars. We find where the memorial is supposed to be only to find out that if you want to actually see it, you have to book three months in advance ... riiiight.

Back on the bus to go see the Statue of Liberty we were going to take the Staten Island Ferry but the hoards of people waiting to board made us think that it was pointless as we wouldn't be able to see anything anyways. Probably better off because i get boat sick anyhow. We get back on the bus again and the lady was a bitch so i took it upon myself to take 3 more ponchos, man im badass!

Side note: Whoever told us that you get awesome service over here, is a dirty lier! So far the service industry are a bunch of wankers (with the exception of a hand full of people) and if they're not defiantly going to get money from you, they don't give a shit.

Back to my bad self and my new ponchos. Get back on the bus to go back where we started, so we can book our tickets for a show tonight. Make our way to the cheap ticket stairs area and a man is selling tickets to Wicked on the side, somethings not right about this, nah bowl were good. Book our tickets for Rock Of Ages, stoked. Three hours to do whatever, lets go find Macys see what all the fuss is about. This place is humungus, 8 storeys, sweet Jesus. Way bigger than Deka ever was.

Stopped at the M&Ms shop, same old souvenir shop deal but you can buy individual colour ones. BLACK ONES! Yip black m&ms, and every other colour invented but I'm more excited about the black ones, not too far off brown but exciting all the same.

Off to see the show. They check our bags for food and took our m&ms off us, god help is someone smuggled in some m&ms, whatever, we'll get them later. What a long day i need a drink. I get a vodka and lemonade, Mark gets a can of Budweiser $23 WTF! Luckily the show was AMAZING so I'm not as dirty on it anymore, but it still makes me sad in my pocket.

Monday, 19 September 2011

Day 14. Manhattan tour, Empire State Building

Early morning, got to catch a train to Madison Square Garden to take the tour we booked last night, it starts at 11 am and as ususal were excessivley early but its all good. We grab some breakfast and have a walk around. Whoa this place is so busy, you can't walk 20 metres without being harased to buy a seat on a diferent tour bus to what we've already booked. Gets real annoying when you're walking up and down the street a couple of times. The sewers are steaming and theres no words to describe the smell, but i guess its just something you would get used to. Pungent ... stings the nostrils.
11 oclock rolls on and the tour begins, the tour guide is really cool but im looking over at the open air busses and wishing that i was there, on acount it's such a nice day. Highlight of the tour being stopping off at Soho, holey moses check this place out! If only i had money to spend, dreams are free right. Im also strongly consiedring buying property in Tribeca ... it could happen.

Empire State Building is next. Strict security procedures see us rumaging through our bag to identify the small magnet shaped weapon of destruction we tried to smuggle in ... it was a magnet. Badass! View from up here is pretty choice, the place crowed as hell and people are all up in our grills so we dont loiter for too long.

Grabbed some dinner from a streat vendor, yum and cheap coz thats how i roll.

Straight nightmare trying to figure out which train to take home, luckly a man helped us or else wed probably still be there tearing our hair out. Back at the same motel from last night, hay its cheap. I did however just spot something on the carpet that i hope is candle wax ....

Sunday, 18 September 2011

Day13. Jersey City

Today were going to Jersey City with nothing solid on the agenda, we'll just figure it out when we get there. First things first find somewhere to stay. Hunt down the nearest Mc Donalds to use their wi-fi. No luck looking on the net so we'll just go for a drive and see. Accommodation round here is expensive. The crappiest looking place in the city is running at $130 a night, or $45 an hour, what a rip off.
New game plan, lets go to 'Carlos Bakery' in Hoboken and get a cup cake, it'd be rude not to.

Wonder what that line over there is for? Ooh there's the bakery, yip theres a little line out front but nothing we can't handle! Find a parking building $17 for 2-3 hours, god damn! This is going to be an expensive cup cake. Found what we thought was the end of the line. Behow Bheoww! That line we saw down the street before, that's the official end of the line. Estimated waiting time, 1 hour or more. Finally we're allowed to go inside the shop but its packed out and we cant see any baked goods anyway. About Half an hour later, we saw some cakes and decided that we'll just get whatever. I went and waited at the back of the shop to make more room for other people, i hear cheering and astonished gasps. Phones and cameras shoot to the sky and start going crazy. I thought it was someones birthday and they were getting a grand cake with special treatment or something, I got some peeping room and Buddy was in the shop . Pretty cool, somehow makes it all worth it, but I'm not sure if it tops my Peter Andre sighting when i was 14. I will have to consider this deeply, for future claim to fame boastings.

Take two finding somewhere to stay. Lets go to Newark it may be cheaper because its closer to the airport. Found somewhere $56 a night, it'll do. Defiantly seems like we're in the ghetto. I say this because every house we drive by, theres people siting outside on their porches. And if the 'Friday's taught me anything, its don't eat donut's at strip malls and ghetto people like to hang out on their porches. Its ok though because we have cake! We have nothing to cut it with boooooh bad form. The cake is good but not as life changing as i was expecting.

Now we're in the laundromat, about 6 miles from where we're staying to avoid getting shanked for our undies. The TVs don't speak English and the washing machine was broken so it didn't do a spin cycle, we may be here all night.

Subway for dinner then home to the whore house. We gave away the remainder of the cake we brought today, it just dawned on me that we have 70 sparklers to use, and they would have gone awesome in the cake, ahhhhh man. Sad faces!

Saturday, 17 September 2011

Day 12. Aberdeen to Seaside Heights, Jersey shore

Philadelphia Art Museum this morning. We will not be seeing any art as such, instead we will be ticking something so awesome off the bucket list (which doesn't exist, but if i had one it'd be right up there) its ridiculous.
Duh dah da da da da da dah dah dah (x3), beow beow beeeeeeow beow beow beooooow (x2) din din din din din din, dih dih dih dih dih dih diiiih dih diiiiiiiiih.

If you're not sure what I'm getting at, we will be running up the Rocky stairs! Fart around taking photos for a while then we do the stair run, i wait in the middle while mark runs so i can video it on the camera, awesome. Now its my turn with Mark videoing half way up. As I'm victoriously bounding up the stairs,much like a gazelle, I get to the flat bit and a lady interrupts my life long glory moment "have you seen Rocky" WTF can't you see I'm in the middle of something. Cheese and whiskers some people! Ah well it was still cool anyway, but I'm prrrrety sure shes going to hell for that move.

Next stop Seaside Heights, Jersey Shore. We found a place right across the road from the boardwalk, looking out the window we can see the rides. Boardwalks is pretty long and there's two mini theme parks along it. A whole bunch of T-shirt shops, food, drinks, carnival games, freakshows and a clown parade and we've only been here an hour. We took a ride on the chairlift that goes along the boardwalk, ooh theres the Shore Store! You can see the roof top that the Jersey Shore'ers hung out at, half pulled apart but its still recognisable. The house looks heaps bigger on TV. Now to find a drink the size of my head ..... I'm not sure how that's going to go but we don't have to drive anywhere, so whatever size glass it comes in, its Saturday night and PARRRRTYYYSS HEEERREEEE.

Side Note. Wear a Philadelphia, Rocky T-shirt at Jersey Shore and people will be your friend.

Friday, 16 September 2011

Day 11. Chilhowie to Washington DC to Arlington

Woke up early this morning, hope i didn't catch anything only time will tell. Heading to Washington DC today to visit me mate Abe and the War Memorials. About four hours drive, sweet.

Driving round Washington DC is insane! Police on every corner. Lucky we had a little practice in LA, i guess when i say 'we' i really mean Mark, but I'm the water boy and team morale booster, just as important if not more, so ill just go ahead and include myself. Found a park about a million miles away so we decided now would be a good time to try the subway. Getting there wasn't too bad once we figured out how to work the ticket machine.

While I'm not really into war stuff Memorial Park was cool, thoroughly enjoyed it. So many people lost, sad, but good to see everyone walking round taking it all in paying their respects and what not. On the light side, squirrels are everywhere and so damn quite. I don't like giant pretzels they taste like uncooked bread. Side note: Cheesy Poofs like off South Park although they look like twisties they taste like buttery movie popcorn, its not for me.

Now to find the subway again, i think its this way, or is it this way, i remember that shop, its defiantly this way. Actually, did i? Ahhh man were so lost. Walking round aimlessly for about 40 minutes we could have walked to the car by now! Asked a couple of people and finally someone pointed us in the right direction. Horray we found the station, that was the easy bit now we have to figure out which ones to take, i know we have to take two different ones, hrmmmm. Sorted that out and found the car, man i need a drink.

Time to find accommodation i hope its easier than last night. Went to a couple of places and they were all $120 and over, no thank you we'll find somewhere else. Rolled up to trusty Mc Donalds to use their wi-fi hopefully find somewhere cheap to stay, but no love with a weak signal. Booo. On our way out we saw a voucher book, it had hotel/motel vouchers in it so we found the cheapest one and went there. So here we are in the Arlington Travel Logde, Just got back from Applebees for dinner, but more importantly i had a giant drink Mark had a giant beer and we can finally relax.

Day 10. Memphis to Chilhowie

Made it through the night without being shot, success. Off to Graceland.
For a place where pretty much the coolest dude ever lived, the staff are pretty un-cool and grumpy. However, we're at Graceland and a bunch of douche-ie workers aren't going to bring me down today! Elvis' house was very cool, I will be taking inspiration from his place, and lining our lounge walls with green shag carpet and mirror plating the hallway as soon as we get home. Loved Graceland, i guess it doesn't hurt that he was really really ridiculously good looking. Breakfast at the diner there, it'd be rude not to have a peanut butter and banana toasted sandwich. Yum.

We were told to try 'grits' while in Memphis so we asked the waitress at breakfast where we could find some. She said we could go to 'kiss my grits' down the road so we went to find that. We found the sign but they were tearing it down. Gutted, ah well it sounded gross anyways.

Now Marks driving and i sit here contemplating the universe. At the shallow end of the universe pool. USA GPS is way more high strung and bipolar than NZ GPS. Like one of those annoying people who thinks they're better than you, but really they're just a receptionist, barking orders like you're a retard. NZ GPS is calm and collected makes for a stress free driving environment. As i sit here I'm also marveling in my own Disc Jockey skills. They've come a long way since i was in primary school, staying up way past my bed time to listen to the top 10 with my finger on the record button only to be disappointed that the number one song is the same as last night. Better make sure I'm not taping over the Backstreet Boys, now that would be a tragedy. Blindspott hour is in full swing as we have a couple more hours of driving to go today. Trying to stay on top of my sanity, ADD is kicking in, song changes getting more erratic, singing getting louder, don't think Mark will be able to handle it for much longer...

People round here seem to be a lot nicer to me than they are to Mark, so i think ill do all the talking from now on.

9.30 lets find a room. Oh but its not 9.30 is it, in the time warp its 10.30. Tried about 15 different places in about 4 separate town areas, all being hideously overpriced or sold out. One of them required us to have proof of our NZ address WTF! Drive an extra couple of hours, ooh theres a stink place lets try there, it is midnight after all. Chilhowie lets see what you have to offer. Another rude receptionist. Step in the room it reeks of musty curried BO, and im pretty sure you can hire rooms by the hour here, i come to this conclusion after seeing the well used condom machine in the lobbys lobby .... will check bed and other surfaces for residual bodily fluids, think i just spewed a little.

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Day9. Driving from Dallas to West Memphis BREAKYO'SELF FOOL

Gear up, for not much happening this is a long one!

Up early again for another long day driving, not nearly as long as yesterday but still a respectable 700 ks. Mark's hearing noises from the tyres so we find the National Alamo Car rentals in Dallas. We can either swap the car, or go get a tyre from firestone. After an intense start to the car/human relationship we've grown quite fond of our new friend, so we take the second option. Found the firestone and the car needs 4 new tyres, thanks National Alamo for our death mobile. Ok maybe a bit dramatic. Waiting for the tyre change Mark inquires about the rifle ranges close by. Every ones really friendly, then one of the staff members comes over and proceeds to show us on his phone, his arsenal of weapons. Note to self, don't f*ck with that guy.

Went to the Gun Range as if we had, 'Break Yo'self Fool' tattoed on our foreheads the man takes us over to their extensive gun selection. We pick a small hand gun .22 cal 45 replica, because I'm a big girls blouse and haven't shot anything before. We get to pick what we shoot at, target men or zombies. What kind of question is that, easy ZOMBIES. He gives us a short demo in the shop then points us in the right direction. From what i have seen on TV, i was lead to believe that the newbs in the rifle range had an intense military style drill Sergeant all up in their grill, to make sure we wernt recklessly unsafe. Nope, gave us the gun and let us run riot, yuss. Finished off 100 rounds pretty quickly, lets try something else. Another hand gun, why not. I can handle it, i have sparklers don't you know. Well take the 9mm please. 50 rounds went pretty fast. Decided not to go to bigger rifles because the amo is expensive. All in all very very cool.

Red and Blue flashing lights behind us, ahhhh man what did we do wrong? 'You were speeding but I'm only going to give you a warning'. Yussss. 'So you can just go ahead and come with me to the car' I HAVE FIREWORKS! he he that didn't happen but it would have been funny.

Stoped in 'Hope' for some breakfast (4pm) theres alot of coloured people here. Ooh we need petrol, here looks good. 'Crackerbox' jeez i know I'm white but there's no need to be mean about it. If you're gonna call me a cracker I'm gonna act like one, so i brought a 24 ounce Bacardi mojito and a 24 ounce budweiser, for a grand total of $3.99.

Been driving too long lets find somewhere to stay. Super 8 hasn't done us wrong yet so we put it in the GPS and bingo, only down the road, success. Go into reception, i think we just interrupted her committing suicide because shes just foul. Theres a large toothless woman in the reception area talking on her cellphone really loudly, conversation along the lines of 'i need to get him outta my life' something something 'if i see him again I'm fixin on killing him' ummm is it too late to change hotels. Theres a diner in walking distance so we go there for dinner. Can anyone say holes in the ponga fence? Lets check where we actually are, 901 Martin Luther King  .... ohhhhhh.

Side note: Tootsie Rolls taste like brown crayons.

Tuesday, 13 September 2011

Day 8. Driving to Dallas ... almost

Im trapped in a metal case of EMOOOTION! We've been driving 13 hours and there's about 2 and a half to go. Upon this realisation i have decided to write this in the car instead of later so updates will be in real time, exciting? I know!

Woke up early for our big drive on the road at 6.30 am, not too hot yet. So not alot happened today really. Got my aux cable Woo Hoo and so begins 'songs we haven't heard in ages hour' quickly followed by 'top 25 most played' it sounds boring but its my life, I'm just gonna go ahead and put my shirt on if you don't mind. Watch out for the guns, they'll get ya.

FIREWORKS Yussss! Stoped in at the fireworks shop in New Mexico. I'm browsing the selection the man comes over and rattles off about 50 different qualities any given firework could have big boom, rockets, ground ones, nail to the fence ones and so on "what are ya looking for?" (me) "Ummm sparklers?" jesus I'm lame ha ha. We got more than sparklers so don't you judge me.

About the 3rd petrol stop today Mark went in and a hillbilly asked him where he got his accent from, Mark said New Zealand to which the hillbilly replied "New Zealand? That's Hardcore" Why yes hillbilly, it is hardcore, we got sparklers you know.

So now were driving and i not long ago made a hideous DJ error, one of which I'm not proud of but i accidentally played 'Gonna Fly Now' 3 hours early. For those who don't know it, its the Rocky song reserved for very special occasions. ie Arriving at a destination after driving for 14 hours. Woopsies. And yes for all you haters that was my only error, the rest of the days music was top notch as usual.

Ah well, best be off typing and passangering is making me feel sick, lucky we haven't had shit to eat today aye, cant wait to have ribs in Dallas. Hope a rib shop is open at 11.00 pm ..... SURELY

Well didn't make into the heart of Dallas, we figured we should find a room while they are on the side of the road and easy to find. Arlington Super 8, you will do just fine for now. So Help me jeabus we are having RIBS FOR BREAKFAST!

Monday, 12 September 2011

Day 7: Driving toTuscon AZ

Day 7: Drive from Buena Park, LA to Tuscon, Arizona.

Early wake up need to change the rental cars over again. Drop off old car, take bus to new car. Narrowly avoid having to spend the rest of our holiday in a Chevy, i think the model was 'superugly' but i could be wrong. Pssssh free upgrade, well take the ford focus please.

Driving, driving, driving, Mc Donalds, driving, driving, stop to play cactus, driving, driving, find place to stay. Easy. Dinner at Dennys don't really feel like it, but its just over there. Really hot today!

Marks mastered the driving and I'm working on my diploma in loafing, and cloud likeness identification. Both fields i'm already quite proficient in, but practice does make perfect. Hopefully find an aux cable tomorrow so i can work on my masters in DJ ing.

Train tracks are real close, do they have to toot right outside our room. Funny knocking noise coming from the roof, hrmmmm hope its not ghosts or illegal aliens hiding out from the fuzz :)

Sunday, 11 September 2011

Day 3: Universal Studios

Turning back time, this blog got lost but is now found!

Woke up this morning at a respectable 8am. Decided that we were going to go to Universal Studios but we needed to jack up a new hire car first. Sorted that out then we made our way there … Slowly.

Jiminy crickets it’s another scorcher of a day, yesterday it was 103 whatever that is in Celsius who knows, scholars maintain the translation was lost many years ago, but I think it means as hot as a whales vagina. Whoa that was a whole separate tangent. It was hotter today, anyway!

Our Universal Studios day was awesome and for the slow season, on a weekday we still had to wait in lines. Would hate to think of what it’s like in the weekends. God damn its frigin hot, lucky most of the rides spontaneously squirt you, and there are misters everywhere. Considering an occupation change, my new profession will be taking Universal Studios tours, talking shit all day seems right up my alley.

Days highlight, the water world show. The show was the best but even better I got to use  the most hilarious  joke I’ve been waiting a long time to use, satisfaction! Low light, missing out on Ray Jay live and free because we had to do washing. He he you didn’t think I was serious did you? G Unit would have been cool though.

Were at the Laundromat now its $4 a load, it only takes quarters and we only have a twenty dollar note. Woo Hoo a money changing machine, $20 worth of quarters … epic fail. Also I wish these loud mofos would shut the hell up its not conducive for a healthy washing environment. I may be forced to shank one of these kids, hope they brought their phone book stab vests. Over and out caaandycorrrn!

Day 6: LA County Fair, Malibu, Downtown LA

Ok lets try again GPS, please take us to McKinley ave POMONA did you get that? Not McKinley ave COMPTON. Great success! LA County Fair, mother of god this place is huge, big enough to need a shuttle to get from the carpark to the fair. Earlybird entry just $2, yusss. Margurita stands on every corner, i just might like this place. Now if you're looking for gigantic turkey leg snacks you've come to the right place,we'll take one. I do realise the other day i said gross but after careful consideration i decided it'd be rude not to. Not bad, but they have weird bone thingies all over the show. Oooh a parade, and they're chucking out beads, im not leaving till i get one! I got one. A whole margurita shaker and a churos (is that how you spell it, who knows) later we make our way to the car.

Its a beautiful hot sunny day and we aint got shit to do, lets go to Malibu! The date today is September 11th, the 10 year anniversary incase ya'll didnt know. We came across a tribute in the form of about a million american flags, looked pretty cool and we even found the NZ one in there.

Malibu beach is nice but Zuma beach is better, had a play there then decided we should go to Downtown LA. Did a lady say something about ... I dont remember, i need to go toilet so lets just go there and find some facilities. Soo Downtown LA is just plain creepy, looks like everything for sale fell off the back of a truck, and it smells like weez. Pungent, stings the nostrils. I would prefer it if i didnt get a cap poped in my ass, oooh look theres a cholo and a large black womans breasts, maybe we should leave now. Oh thats right the lady said don't go Downtown LA, because only working girls hang out there, now we remember.

Havent eaten since the dinasaur leg and i am about to die of malnurishment, we go to the 'Outback Steakhouse' for dinner. Australian crap all over the walls, meh. Food was nice, but, i was ready to eat my own ass so this may not be a reliable review.

Now were at the laundormat. Heaps nicer than the one we went to the other day, people even speak a bit of english here.

Droping off rental car tomorow morning to pick up a new rental car, so we can say adios Buena Park and hello the road...

Saturday, 10 September 2011

Day 5: Fart around and what not.

Todays plsan is to find a skate shop and purchase skates, easy .....

We havent been to Long Beach yet so well find the skate shop closest to there. Moxi Rollerskates woo hoo its got leopard print skates in the window, i think i'll like this place, doesnt open till 12 ahhh maaan.

Off to the beach, cool beach nowhere near cool as Venice beach but a sweet beach all the same. Johnny Rockets for BrUnch becasue turns out that Mark is a certified alien and just doesnt like eating three meals a day, is this holiday or fat camp, im begining to wonder.

Back to the skate shop and they dont have anything in stock BOOO Moxi Rollerskates Boo! So we made our way to the other shop that we found, LA Skates way the hell over there. No luck, sad faces.

I'v been hearing on the raido about the LA county fair and i really want to go, sheep, cows goats never seen them before he he, i still wana go tho. So we decide to go. We put in the GPS where we want to go, theyll tell us how, and we'll just drive, easy! 45 minutes later we 'arrived at our destination' ummm this doesnt look like a county fair. GPS had its funny undies on and sent us to Compton instead. Police cars everyhwere, didnt see any big bald black men on rusted bikes with a glock sticking out their pants , dumb.

No county fair today so we went to Walmart instead. Im not sure what the big deal is, its better than the warehouse. Or maybe we just went to flash ones? Half a burger and chips for dinner, relax. 

Friday, 9 September 2011

Day 4 - Disneyland

What to wear what to wear. Im dressing for Disneyland this morning. I've only been waiting ohhh say, my whole life to come here, what does one wear. I only have black everything and im gona look like a molestor at Disneyland, maaaan. Ah well black on black it is. One Major hoisery malfunction later, were ready to leave. Side note, i wasnt the only blacked out deviant there so it was all good.

Took first expensive hire car back to switch to a cheaper company. Waited at hotel for '15 minutes' ... Turns out 15 minutes NZ time, is actually an hour American time, go figure. Dont you people know were going to DISNEYLAND today! Sheesh put some pep in it would ya Ivan.

Made our way to Disneyland, another super hot day. What a busy place! Pretty cool day Mark got soaked through on the water ride, makes me larf. Was hot so we went to get an ice cream ... thats not ice cream .... Turkey legs?? No thanks, what a wacked out snack!

Fudruckers for dinner, family friendly place. Not so much ear drum friendly and im deaf! Yummy food tho and i can appreciate dispensing my own condiments and burger fillings. Peace out essay.

Wednesday, 7 September 2011

Wana see some Michael Jackson Dance Moves Chardonnnay

Day 2. Hollywood, Hollywood hills tiki tour, Rodeo Drive, Mideval Times.

Man this is a humungus place. Lets just have some breakfast in Hollywood aye? Yea thats a good idea. Arrive at 12.15, lucky i wasnt hungry at 8 when i woke up ......

Walked around the walk of fame, busted out about the best moonwalk iv ever seen, by Michael Jacksons star and an EVEN better slow mo run by The Hoffs star. SUCCESS!

Rodeo Drive nothing too exciting, a bunch of shops poor people are too intimidated to go in. And not even a rodeo no cowboys or anything ha ha ha man i crack me up.

Traffic jam packed drive back to the hotel, god damn im starving. If 'Next Friday' and its 'holey moley dount shop' hadnt runied dounts for me i coulda had mysugar for the day but no, im about to fall asleep, need sugar stat!

Mideval Times for dinner, woooo its only been 7 hours since we ate. Man what an awesome place, horsies, birdies, dudes who are the apitimy of what any wella woman strives to achieve. Not a knife or fork in sight we eat half a chicken with our manly bare hands ..... just like at home. Our guy had some mad tiger blood and won the tournament, which makes me feel like a total bi winner hehe.

Tuesday, 6 September 2011

Day 1 Venice Beach & Hollywood Sign

Swet jesus what an awesome day!

We woke up late after a reduculous long day traveling. Decided we should hire a car, jose would be over in a short while .... an hour and 20 odd minutes he showed up woo hoo. Rotorua short while and LA short whiles are quite diferent. We were hoping for a car like off pimp my ride, but before it got pimped. Hello honda accord, ah well.

After a scary wee drive we found venice beach. Spent a couple of hours walking up an down the beach, had a play on 'muscle beach' stuff, went on the roundie wheel thingy and i went on the roller coaster by my louf he he. Hired some sweet beach cruiser bikes and took them for a burn. At whichpoint we got to see our first too legit to quit crazy! He musta been a real tuff fulla because he tipped over shelves AND a outdoor table umbrella setting, choice bro.

After  thar we decided to stroll where we hadnt gone yet where some coloured folk of the male persuasion bailed poor mark up to buy their gangsta rapper cd. The nice kiwi folk we are didnt wana snob them so we stoped. Come the coloured folk swarm, i then realised what was going on and put my bitch undies on, coz they cant very well be mean to a girl now can they .... nope pheeew.

Back to the car we decided to put on our new cd and rock out on our drive to go see the hollywood sign. Stopped in at 'High voltage tattoo' the whole kat von D buzz but nothing exciting there. Sweaty walk up behind the sign god damn its still hot az at 8 pm. Spectacular!